The Fellowship has fun in the USA
by Galadriel-in-disguise
Summary: This started out as a normal Fellowship-on-a-road-trip fic...But after being pursued by fangirls, attacked by zombies, subjected to bad pop music, diverted to New Zealand, and mistaken for Martians, things started to get a little strange...
1. Everyone gets VERY bored

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR.blah blah blah, oh my god I hate disclaimers!  
  
Authors Note: This is my first EVER fanfic, so please be nice to me.  
  
P.S. This is set after Return of the King.  
  
Chapter 1  
The fellowship is lolling around on Aragorn's expensive furniture wasting time. Merry and Pippin are eating mushrooms, Gandalf is asleep on the sofa, and Legolas, Frodo, Sam, Gimli, and Aragorn are playing Go Fish.  
  
"Got any queens?" asked Gimli, stifling a yawn.  
  
"Yeah," said Aragorn, "I've got two. Here." He tossed the cards at Gimli.  
  
"That's not possible!" snapped Legolas, "I've got three!" He held them out.  
  
Frodo shot Aragorn an annoyed look. "Geez Strider! You're the freaking king of Gondor! Can't you by a deck of cards that isn't rigged?" He threw his cards down and went over to steal mushrooms from Merry and Pippin.  
  
Sam scratched his head. "So that's why I have five tens."  
  
Aragorn looked hurt. "Don't insult my cards! They were a coronation present from Elladan and Elrohir!"  
  
Legolas snorted. "I thought you knew better than to except anything from those two. Remember the time-" He was not permitted to continue because Aragorn threw a mushroom at his head, and attempted to stuff him under Gandalf's sofa. In the ensuing scuffle, the sofa was knocked over on top of Merry, Pippin, and Frodo, and Gandalf was pitched off onto Gimli's lap.  
  
"Ow $&%#$#!" said half the people in the room.  
  
Gandalf sat up rubbing his head. "What the bloody $%$# happened? Why am I on top of Gimli?"  
  
Pippin crawled out from under the sofa. "This is so pitiful. You guys have nothing to do except fight and play stupid card games."  
  
Legolas rolled his eyes. "Like stuffing your faces is any more productive."  
  
"We're hobbits!" said Pippin. "We need to eat constantly."  
  
"I'm BORED!" wailed Sam. By this time Frodo and Merry had emerged, nursing various bumps and bruises.  
"We need to get out of this castle and DO something," said Merry. "Otherwise I may well go insane."  
  
"Do what?" asked Legolas, "We can't hunt orcs; they got finished off months ago, and Arwen forbade Aragorn to go river rafting."  
  
"Oh I know!!!" squealed Pippin, getting very excited.  
  
"What?" asked Sam before someone could stop him.  
  
"Let's have a bake sale! Yeah!"  
  
Legolas rolled his eyes. "Do you thing of anything besides food?"  
  
Gandalf pretended not to hear him. "Does anyone else have any ideas?"  
  
"I've got it!" said Aragorn, snapping his fingers, "Let's go on a road trip!"  
  
"Fuuuuuuuuuuun!!" shrieked the hobbits.  
  
"A road trip to where?" asked Legolas.  
  
Aragorn grinned. "How about America!?!?"  
  
"Alright," said the elf, "What about you, Gimli."  
  
"He's still out cold," said Aragorn.  
  
"Am not," growled Gimli, sitting up, "I'll come if the he's going." He gestured vaguely in Legolas's direction.  
  
"Patient confused, suspect possible concussion," muttered Aragorn.  
  
Gandalf looked apprehensive. "I don't know about this."  
  
"Too bad, you're out voted seven to one," said Aragorn. "Now what are we going to travel in?"  
  
************************************************* Well???? Do you like it??!?! Huh? Huh? TELL ME!!!!  
  
(You feel a strange urge to click on the Submit Review button. Don't fight it. Give in!)  
  
More later 


	2. Gandalfs sanity is called into question

Disclaimer: I think it's obvious I own nothing.  
  
Sorry about the screw up with the chapters. I'm still figuring out how to use this site.  
  
Chapter 2 5:00 AM the next morning.  
  
Gandalf is underneath an offensively pink Eurovan trying to reattach the muffler.  
  
"Oh my GOD!" said Aragorn in horror. "You don't expect us to ride in THAT, do you?!"  
  
Gandalf rolled out. "Come on, it's not that bad. Anyway, it was this or Faramir and Eowyn's two-seater Honda."  
  
"Did you actually just SAY what I thought you said? I mean *&%$#$# %#$&! It's PINK! Of course it's that bad!! Have you been smoking illegal substances??"  
  
Gandalf looked around furtively. "Aragorn," he said in a stage whisper, "this fanfic is PG! You're not supposed to say anything about drugs!!"  
  
Aragorn ignored him. "I REFUSE to ride in that thing! Couldn't we have taken Saruman's Limo?!"  
  
"No, it's been impounded. You're being a bloody nuisance Aragorn, go make yourself useful and wake the others up."  
  
Muttering darkly about the mental stability of Wizards, Aragorn made his way up to Legolas and Gimli's room.  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
They weren't pleased to see him.  
  
"Freaking #%&, Aragorn," groaned Legolas. "What time is it?" He tried to put his pillow over his head, but Aragorn took it away and threw it at Gimli's wall sized poster of Galadriel.  
  
"It's 5:10. We're leaving in less than an hour. Why aren't you dressed yet??" He stalked across the room and pulled Gimli's blankets off his bed. "Wake up you pervy elf fancying dwarf."  
  
Gimli and Legolas stared at each other blearily as Aragorn slammed out of the room.  
  
"My, he's cheerful this morning," grumbled Gimli.  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
Merry, Pippin, Frodo, and Sam got the same treatment, and soon they were up and more or less dressed, wandering around half asleep trying to pack and generally getting in each others way. Eventually they all made it down to where Gandalf was waiting impatiently.  
  
"Where have you BEEN?!?!" he shouted, doing a little dance of rage. "It's 7:04, we should have LEFT by now!!"  
  
No one paid him much attention. They were too busy being disgusted with the Eurovan.  
  
"I've been blinded!!" screamed Merry, falling over and pretending to have a seizure.  
  
"EEP!" said Frodo. "I thought Aragorn was exaggerating when he said you'd gone insane, but now I'm not so sure."  
  
"Gandalf, where did you GET that thing?!?" asked Legolas.  
  
"I found it in Denethor's private garage,"  
  
"Hah!" muttered Pippin. "I KNEW he was gay!"  
  
By now, Gandalf was very pissed. "WILL YOU STOP ACTING LIKE A BUNCH OF IMBECILIC ORCS!?!?!?!?!? GET IN THE *&%$#$#%$ CAR!!!  
  
It is rather difficult to get four hobbits, an elf, a dwarf, a wizard, the king of Gondor, and their respective weapons and luggage-not to mention FOOD-into a eight seater Eurovan, but our heroes managed it in the end, with a great deal of glowering and menacing staff movements from Gandalf.  
  
They were about to pull out when a harried looking female elf in a bathrobe came running into the court yard and waved at them to stop. "Arwen sent this for you," she said, pushing a large pile of clean underwear through the window onto Aragorn's lap. "She says to remember the paths of the dead."  
  
"Huh?" said Aragorn blankly.  
  
The elf banged her head against the door. "#&%* IT! I meant to say that if you not back in two weeks she'll send Elladan and Elrohir after you." She turned to Legolas.  
  
"And YOU, if you're not back by then you'll hear about it from me. Stay out of the rain, no drinking, no night clubbing, and NO fangirls!" she disappeared back inside.  
  
Frodo grinned evilly. "Who was THAT?"  
  
Legolas turned bright red. "Uh, no one,"  
  
His friends looked at him skeptically. He glowered. "You guys have dirty minds! Ninquie and I are just good friends."  
  
"SURE you are," snickered Gimli, and then howled as Legolas jabbed him with an arrow.  
  
"Quiet back there!" snapped Gandalf. He gunned the engine and the Fellowship roared out of Minas Tirith in a cloud of foul smelling exhaust.  
  
********************************************************* To my reviewers: [Seven! Already! I feel loved!]  
  
Lady Amakakeru: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.  
  
lemluvspirates: Sure I'll put you in. It probably won't be until chapter 4 or 5 though.  
  
Makiyo: I'm not sure you count, since you're my best friend, and since you know nothing about LOTR, but thanks anyway for reading it.  
  
Anonymous counter person: I personally think the more humor stories, the better.  
  
LegosGrl: Thank you.  
  
Terra Nova: *Thanks*  
  
elf from Rivendell: I'm psyched that you added my story to your favorites.  
  
********************************************************* A/n: When I called Gimli a pervy elf fancier, I meant that he liked Galadriel. Legolas and Gimli aren't gay in this story. Frodo and Sam, I'm not so sure.*evil grin*  
  
Can I have a little constructive criticism please? I'm glad people like this fanfic, but that doesn't tell me what I need to improve.  
  
More Later 


	3. The Return of Boromir, sort of

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR. Or Washington. I DO own the Eurovan. *ALL MINE, MY PRECIOUSSSS!!* ahem!  
  
A/n: If you're from Australia or something, and don't know where all these places in the U.S. are, I'm sorry. Just work with me here.  
  
P.S. The Washington in this chapter is Washington STATE!!! NOT Washington D.C. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *sorry* got a bit carried away there!  
  
Chapter 3:  
  
A dark and stormy night, somewhere in northern Washington. The fellowship is driving through incessant rain, with Gandalf behind the wheel.  
  
"Thirty-eight pints of beer on the wall, thirty eight pints of beer! sang Pippin.  
  
"It's been raining for hours!" moaned Frodo. "When will it stop??"  
  
"I have to use the bathroom!" yelled Sam.  
  
"Can we stop at a motel or something??" whined Gimli. "I get insomnia when I try to sleep surrounded by hobbits."  
  
"So you had insomnia all through the second half of The Fellowship of the Ring?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"Well, yeah."  
  
Frodo poked Sam and whispered, "So that's why we thought he was PMSing!"  
  
"We can't stop until we cross the Oregon border," said Gandalf. "And in case you've forgotten, this is Washington. It rains non stop from October to March, except for like two pitiful weeks in January when it snows."  
  
"Thirty three pints of beer on the wall!" sang Pippin.  
  
"I have a head ache," muttered Legolas, massaging his temples.  
  
"I'm hungry!" wailed Merry.  
  
"How can you be hungry," asked Aragorn. "You had four cheeseburgers not two hours ago."  
  
Merry looked offended. "I'm a hobbit! I need to-"  
  
"Eat constantly! We know, we know!"  
  
"Take one down, pass it around-" sang Pippin.  
  
"Pippin, if you don't SHUT UP I will TAKE this arrow and STICK it up your *#$!!!" screamed Legolas.  
  
"IF YOU GUYS WON'T CLOSE YOUR FREAKING MOUTHS," shouted Gandalf, swerving wildly, "I WILL TURN YOU ALL INTO GOLLUM CLONES, JUST WATCH ME!!!"  
  
Everyone shut up. There was silence for a while, then suddenly, the engine stopped.  
  
"Oh *&%$%*# %*&%!" growled Gandalf.  
  
"I'm not going out in that rain!" said Aragorn.  
  
"We're all gonna DIE!" squealed Pippin.  
  
"SHUT UP!" yelled everyone else.  
  
"Okay," said Gandalf. "Let's look at this logically. Why did the Eurovan suddenly stall?"  
  
Legolas rolled his eyes. "Uh, let's see, maybe because THIS CAR IS A PIECE OF CRAP!!"  
  
"Quiet!" hissed Frodo, pointing to the sickly greenish glow that had just appeared on the road in front of them.  
  
Gandalf sniffed. "I smell ectoplasm."  
  
"That's because it's a ghost stupid!"  
  
The green glow moved closer, and closer, gradually resolving itself into a human shape.  
  
Suddenly Merry realized who it was. "OH MY GOD!" he screamed. "IT'S THE GHOST OF BOROMIR!!"  
  
"Um, hi dudes," said Boromir.  
  
"What are you doing here??" asked Gandalf.  
  
Boromir shrugged. "I just wander around at night stopping people's engines and freaking them out."  
  
"Wait! Wait a second!" said Aragorn. "You're dead, right?"  
  
"Like, duh," said Boromir  
  
"You got shot by orcs, and died, and then Legolas, Gimli, and I sent you over the falls of Rauros in a boat."  
  
"Yup,"  
  
"But since the boat was all magic and made by Galadriel and stuff, it didn't get smashed to pieces, but instead floated down the Anduin and into the sea. Is that correct?"  
  
"Uh huh,"  
  
"And now your haunting Interstate Five?!?!?! THIS MAKES NO SENSE!!"  
  
Boromir rolled his eyes. "Dude, haven't you noticed yet? This entire fanfic makes no sense! Can I get in the car?"  
  
"Umm, I guess so,"  
  
"DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR! WE'LL GET DRENCHED!!!" screamed Merry and Pippin.  
  
"No problem, dudes," said Boromir. He drifted through the side of the Eurovan and hovered near the ceiling above Sam's head. Unfortunately, he didn't know how to make the car start again, so Gandalf had to go out in the rain and whack the hood several times with his staff to make the engine go back on.  
  
"That's it!" he growled, when he crawled back in soaking wet. "We're stopping at a Motel 6 in Seattle!"  
  
************************************************************************  
  
To my reviewers:  
  
BoromirDefender: Thanks for reading my story! I'll try to be more descriptive.  
  
elf from Rivendell: Thanks. I already put you in. You're the elf lady in Ch. 2.  
  
LegosGrl: Yes, I'm going to put fangirls in.  
  
Galadriel_in_disguise: I don't know why I'm answering the review I did on myself.  
  
Tarock: I predict a huge wave of Fellowship-in-the-modern-world stories written by people who are sick of girl(s)-fall-into-middle-earth stories.  
  
lemluvspirates: Thanks for alerting me. I fixed it.  
  
hyper_active_electrocuted_elf: Ha ha! Cool name Sophie, purple oysters yourself!!  
  
Anya Wood: *ThAnK yOu*  
  
*&%#: YAY! You get the record for shortest review so far! HAPPY! (No insult intended)  
  
A/n#2: In case you haven't noticed, I'm kind of hyper right now!!! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH! *cough* *snort* *gasp* BYE!!!  
  
REVIEW OR LEGOLAS WILL STICK AN ARROW UP YOUR *#$!  
  
Just kidding.  
  
More later 


	4. Gandalf loses his temper

Disclaimer: I still don't own LOTR. I've contacted Christopher Tolkien about purchasing Aragorn, but he won't sell.  
  
A/n: This will probably be the last chapter for a few weeks, because my teachers have been slacking off for the past two months, and now their totally overdoing the homework trying to make up for lost time.  
  
Chapter 4:  
  
Somewhere around midnight in the parking lot of a dingy looking motel just outside of Seattle. Still pouring rain. The Fellowship is huddled inside their Eurovan wondering if it's worth it to get out.  
  
Gimli looked apprehensively out his window. "This parking lot is completely flooded!"  
  
"Dude," said Boromir. "There's like no space between the raindrops!"  
  
"Why do you care?" grumbled Legolas. "You don't have to breathe!"  
  
"You guys are such wusses!" growled Gandalf. "Make up your freaking minds. Fifteen minutes ago, you were all yelling about how you were going to lynch me if I didn't stop."  
  
"Um, correction," said Pippin, "You're the one who wanted to go to a motel in the first place."  
  
"Actually, it was Gimli," said Sam helpfully.  
  
"GAHHHH! I don't have TIME for this!" shouted Aragorn, and before anyone could stop him, he had yanked open the door and was sprinting through the downpour toward the motel. A huge gust of wind blew about five hundred gallons of water into the Eurovan completely soaking the Fellowship, and their luggage. Muttering curses in several languages, they grabbed their bags and ran after the disappearing King of Gondor.  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
Once inside the motel, they collapsed in a bedraggled heap on the welcome mat. The desk clerk looked disapprovingly at them and the twenty or so liters of water they were shedding onto his ugly grey carpet before returning to his argument with Aragorn.  
  
"We haven't any vacancies, and that's final!" he said stiffly.  
  
"What do you mean no vacancies!?" shouted Aragorn, fingering his sword hilt suggestively. He was, like everyone else, completely drenched and madder than a wet orc. "Your SIGN says you have vacancies!!"  
  
"Oh, th-that," the clerk stammered, eyeing Aragorn's sword nervously. "Umm, no one wanted to go out in the rain to change the sign. Heh heh."  
  
"I can't blame you," muttered Gandalf, wringing out his beard.  
  
Aragorn pulled out Anduril. The clerk turned the color of badly mixed cement. "Wait," he squeaked, "I-I just remembered, we DO have an empty rooms, up the stairs, to the left. And I don't think the management would mind terribly if I disregarded their no tolerance policies about hobbits," he threw the keys at Aragorn and dived under his desk.  
  
"Wuss!" muttered Gimli.  
  
"Couldn't you have gotten a room downstairs?" asked Legolas, "That staircase seems ready to collapse at any moment!"  
  
"Just let it go, dude" said Boromir.  
  
"Easy for you to say!" said Sam. "You're weightless!"  
  
"Hey! It's not my fault you need a diet!"  
  
"SHUT UP!" roared Gandalf. "We have determined that Boromir is insubstantial! Now get your sorry #$$*% up the stairs before I do something violent! Unlike SOME of you, I have had no sleep for the past nineteen hours, so DON"T PUSH IT!" He grabbed his suitcase and stomped up the stairs, making them creak ominously.  
  
"We'd better step lightly around him for a while," said Aragorn in a subdued voice. "I haven't seen him this mad since Elrond stole his Teddy Bear."  
  
Just then, a nest of spiders fell off the ceiling, making everyone scream like girls, and high tail it after Gandalf.  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
"45, 46, 47, 48, here it is!" Gandalf opened the door and peered into room 49. It was painted a shade of blue the more or less exactly failed to please the eye, and had cobwebs in all the corners.  
  
"I can't believe he gave NINE people one room!" grumbled Legolas.  
  
"Maybe he was telling the truth about this being the only empty one." said Frodo, noticing the large DO NOT DISTURB and TRESSPASSERS WILL BE CAUGHT AND SHOT signs on the other doors.  
  
"Just get inside!" snapped Gandalf. He herded them in and slammed the door.  
  
"DIBS!" squealed Merry and Pippin, running to the bed and jumping up and down on it.  
  
"NOOOOOOOO" shouted everyone else.  
  
"Stupid fat hobbits!" yelled Gimli. "You've gone and gotten your germs all over where I have to sleep!"  
  
"Where YOU have to sleep?!" asked Aragorn incredulously. "I'M the king of Gondor! I should get the bed!"  
  
Legolas kicked Aragorn. "I'm the Prince of northern Mirkwood! I should think I have just as much right as you!"  
  
Sam pulled out his frying pan. "Back you devils! That bed belongs to Mr. Frodo!"  
  
"ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!" screamed Gandalf. He pointed his staff at the bed and it exploded, throwing Merry and Pippin across the room and knocking everyone over. "YOU CAN ALL SLEEP ON THE *&%$#&% FLOOR GOD &%$# IT!!" That said, he flopped down and began to snore loudly.  
  
"Meep!" said Boromir shakily.  
  
"My sentiments exactly," muttered Frodo.  
  
************************************************************************ A/n: I'm sorry if this chapter is a little weird. I had to write it at the same time as my debate speech and my brain is kind of scrambled.  
  
To my reviewers:  
  
elf from Rivendell: I don't know. If I do put you in again it won't be for a while because they've only been gone for like a day.  
  
Mornie Utule: It's kind of scary picturing four hobbits and an all you can eat buffet within a ten mile radius of each other.  
  
Anya Wood: Thanks for reviewing again.  
  
happy molecule: Cool name!  
  
lemluvspirates: The scary thing is, I didn't plan that Boromir would stop cars. It just kind of sprouted that way when I was typing.  
  
More, after I finish the three essays I have due next week. 


	5. Hyper hobbits and annoying patrolmen

Disclaimer: Blah Blah Blah..  
  
Pippin: I'm hungry! *eats disclaimer*  
  
Everyone: Hurray! Go Pippin!  
  
Galadriel-in-disguise: Fool of a Took! I could get sued for that! *********************** A/n: Well, I'm not done with my essays, but I wrote this anyway. For some random reason it's more than twice as long as the previous chapters.  
  
Chapter 5:  
  
6:13 the next morning. Raining. Duh. The Fellowship is standing around in the motel parking lot waiting for Legolas, who is still inside, supposedly using the bathroom.  
  
"Why is that stupid elf taking so long?" muttered Gandalf. "I want to get the *&%$ out of here before the manager discovers I blew up one of his beds."  
  
"You have only your self to blame for that," said Boromir virtuously.  
  
Gandalf scowled and waggled his eyebrows in irritation.  
  
"Maybe Legolas is constipated!" suggested Pippin cheerfully.  
  
"Oh my God! Pippin, you idiot, SHUT UP!" thundered Gandalf.  
  
"Elves don't get constipated," whispered Frodo to Pippin. "It's a scientific fact."  
  
"He's probably redyeing his hair," giggled Merry.  
  
"SHHH!" said everyone.  
  
Sam looked around fearfully. "Saying things like that can get you killed and eaten by Legolas's fangirls."  
  
Gandalf chewed his beard in exasperation. "I'm surrounded by imbeciles! Aragorn, Gimli, go find that nancing elf and haul his *&% down here!"  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
Aragorn stuck his head into room 49, which appeared to be empty, except for assorted dust bunnies and spiders. "Legolas! Where are you?! Gandalf's going pop an artery if we don't go soon!" Then he noticed the muffled thumps and curses emanating from the bathroom. He approached warily. "Legolas, what are you DOING in there??"  
  
"WHAT AM I DOING?!?! WHAT AM I DOING?!?! THIS *&%$#$% DOOR IS STUCK AND I'M TRYING TO GET THE *&%# OUT OF HERE!!!!!"  
  
"Whoa dude, calm down," said Aragorn, in what he hoped was a soothing tone of voice.  
  
"CALM DOWN!?!?! CALM DOWN!?!? I'VE BEEN STUCK IN THIS *&%$#*& BATHROOM FOR TWENTY FREAKING MINUTES AND YOUR TELLING ME TO CALM DOWN?!?! VERY FUNNY AGGY!"  
  
"I TOLD YOU NEVER TO CALL ME THAT! IT GIVES THE SLASH WRITERS IDEAS!!"  
  
"HOW CAN YOU THINK ABOUT SLASHERS AT A TIME LIKE THIS?????"  
  
Gimli decided that the conversation had gone on long enough. "STAND BACK!" he bellowed, and threw his axe at the door. It knocked the door right off its hinges, shattered the mirror, and sent a large chunk of the ceiling cascading onto a very surprised Legolas.  
  
"Now look what you've done!" moaned Aragorn, hauling the elf out of the rubble. "He's out cold! It could be hours before he wakes up!"  
  
"Not if I've got anything to say about it!" growled Gimli. He bent down and whispered 'Mary Sue' in Legolas's ear.  
  
"WHERE?!" yelled Legolas in terror.  
  
Gimli smirked. "Told you so."  
  
"Okay, that's enough fooling around!" snapped Aragorn. "Gimli, do you realize it looks like someone set off a bomb in here?"  
  
"Well it worked," grumbled Gimli.  
  
Aragorn snorted and stomped out the door and down the stairs.  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
Down by the Eurovan, tensions were running high. Gandalf was biting his nails and checking his watch every two minutes.  
  
"Where are they? Where are they?" he muttered.  
  
"There they are," said Merry, pointing to Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli who were coming towards them across the parking lot. "What have they been DOING? They're all covered in plaster and spider webs!"  
  
"DON'T ask," said Gimli when he got within hearing distance.  
  
"Whatever," said Gandalf. "Now let's GO!" He started to get into the car, but Aragorn stopped him.  
  
"I think for the sake of your blood pressure, I'd better drive,"  
  
"Fine," muttered Gandalf, climbing into the back seat. "Just don't blame me when we end up upside down in a ditch."  
  
Aragorn rolled his eyes. "Thanks for your vote of confidence,"  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
Four hours later, driving south on I-5. (I=Interstate)  
  
"Hey," said Frodo, "It stopped raining!"  
  
"That's because we're in Oregon now, stupid." said Merry.  
  
"Did you just call Mr. Frodo stupid?" asked Sam, brandishing his frying pan. Merry squeaked and hid under the seat.  
  
"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way," sang Pippin.  
  
Legolas ground his teeth. "Pippin, you've got a serious bitch slap coming!!"  
  
Pippin scowled and shut up. Immediately, Gandalf started snoring. Legolas kicked him, which only made him snore louder.  
  
"My butt is asleep!" whined Gimli.  
  
Merry stuck his head out from under the seat. "I'm STARVING Aragorn!"  
  
"YEAH!" yelled the other hobbits. "WE WANT FOOD!"  
  
"Oh no, not AGAIN!" sighed Legolas.  
  
"I'm NOT stopping!" shouted Aragorn.  
  
"FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!" chanted the hobbits.  
  
"SHUT UP! JUST BE PATIENT!" yelled Aragorn, cutting suddenly across three lanes and nearly flattening a passing station wagon.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Pippin, jumping on to Aragorn's head and trying to bite his ear off.  
  
"Pippin, you FREAK! Get off my head!! I'll have you drawn and quartered for this! OW! Stop that! Only Arwen's allowed to bite my earlobes!"  
  
"Aragorn, you PERV! We didn't need to know that..."  
  
"Shut up Legolas! Pippin-OUCH! Fine! Fine! We'll stop for lunch!  
  
"Yay!" said Pippin, going back to his seat.  
  
Suddenly, a Highway Patrol Car started following them and signaling for them to pull over.  
  
"Oh $#*%!" muttered Aragorn.  
  
"I think you'd better cooperate, dude," said Boromir. "He can definitely drive faster than us."  
  
Still swearing, Aragorn pulled onto the shoulder. One Patrolman got out and came over to the window, ignoring Merry and Pippin, who were making obscene faces at him. The other one stayed in the car and started waxing his mustache.  
  
Aragorn rolled down his window. "What seems to be the trouble ossifer...I mean officer."  
  
"Do you realize that you have been driving in the wrong lane for the past ten minutes?" asked the Patrolman in an extreme Texan accent.  
  
"I'm terribly sorry," replied Aragorn. "There was a hobbit on my head and I couldn't see where I was going."  
  
The Patrolman looked skeptical. "Uh huh. What's your name?"  
  
Legolas opened the sun roof so he could stand up. "He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir to the throne of men!"  
  
Aragorn groaned. "Sit DOWN Legolas!"  
  
Legolas ignored him. "And you smell like an orc."  
  
The Patrolman made a sound of annoyance. "I need to see your license!"  
  
"He hasn't got one!" squealed Pippin.  
  
"I HATE YOU PIPPIN! THAT'S IT, NO LUNCH!"  
  
"No license?" asked the Patrolman with an evil grin. "Ooooh! This could be bad..."  
  
"I think it's time to haul *&%!" muttered Legolas out of the corner of his mouth.  
  
"I think you're right," Aragorn muttered back.  
  
The Patrolman was having fun listing the various punishments he could give them. "...I could fine you up to $700 or you could get six months imprisonment or..."  
  
"ELENDIL!!" yelled Aragorn, and floored it. The Patrolman ran to his car and gave chase. "Bring him down Legolas!" shouted Aragorn. Legolas pulled out his bow and started firing at the patrol car through the sun roof. His first shot stuck in the bumper, the second one hit the hood, leaving a HUGE scratch in the paint and enraging Patrolman #2, who was driving. "KILL THEM!" roared Aragorn.  
  
"Sheesh," muttered Legolas, and fired again. This time he punctured the tire, and the patrol car flipped over.  
  
"Hah HAAAH!" laughed Aragorn, as he sped away. "Who's upside down in a ditch NOW?!"  
  
Just then Gandalf woke up. "What's happening?" he asked blearily.  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
The Patrolmen were indeed upside down in a ditch, and exceedingly unhappy about it.  
  
"I'm going to get that sucker," growled Patrolman #1, "If it's the last...thing...I...ever...do!"  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Whoa! That was fun! In the next chapter they will FINALLY get to California.  
  
To my reviewers:  
  
Ainu Laire: *THANKS*  
  
pherhyandoiel: No, sorry. The Fellowship can only go places I've been to. It's kind of hard to write humor about a place you've never experienced.  
  
Mornie Utule: I think Gandalf should have blown up some stuff in the movies.  
  
elf from Rivendell: *THANKS*  
  
happy molecule: I know. Aragorn totally rocks.  
  
mousie2: I think I may just steal Aragorn one of these days...  
  
REVIEW, OR YOU'LL GET BURNED IN EFFIGY BY THE FANGIRLS COMING UP IN CHAPTER SEVEN!  
  
More later. Probably sometime next week. 


	6. Rabid anarchist teenage antiwar people

Disclaimer: I don't own... Everyone: Boooooo! Get off the stage! Aragorn: Hey!! Didn't Pippin eat you? Disclaimer: So I'm back! Whatcha gonna do about it punk? Aragorn: *chops disclaimer in half with Anduril*  
  
A/n: sorry about how long it took to update. I had eight concerts between Tuesday and Friday! I have played so much that I have blisters on my lips. I'm totally not kidding. Then I spent the last few days crammed into a car next to my STUPID little brother because my parents wanted to visit my grandparents in northern Washington for Christmas. So now I'm in Washington, trying to use my grandfather's ANCIENT Mac. laptop, which freezes every two minutes. Very annoying.  
  
P.S. even though I'm actually not in California at this exact moment, I put myself and my friends in this chapter, because I felt like it. They're names are Makiyo, Usagi, electrocuted-elf, and Kiki-chan.  
  
P.P.S. In this chapter, my friends and I behave like evil spawn of Satan. Rest assured that we don't actually DO any of these evil things, however much we might want to.  
  
P.P.P.S. Read my friend electrocuted-elf's fanfic, 'When Fangirls Attack!!'  
  
EDIT: Kiki-chan was called BLANK, because I didn't know her ff.net name and my parents refused to let me call her long-distance.  
  
Chapter 6: 11:00 AM, somewhere in the San Francisco Bay Area. Legolas is driving, Gandalf is asleep, and snoring loudly, and the hobbits are playing scrabble.  
  
"Triple word score!!" squealed Merry excitedly.  
  
"Is 'taters' a word?" asked Pippin.  
  
"Of course it is!" said Sam. "I take offense at that!"  
  
"Don't make fun of Sam's poor language skills," chided Frodo.  
  
"The authors spell check doesn't recognize it!" crowed Pippin triumphantly.  
  
"Well," said Merry, "the authors spell check doesn't recognize your NAME, Pippin, so I wouldn't say it's very reliable."  
  
Pippin kicked the back of Gandalf's seat, making him stop in mid snore emit a sound like a confused mongoose. "This game is stupid."  
  
"I have a butt cramp!" yelled Gimli. "I feel like there's an Uruk-hai chewing my behind."  
  
"Well, that's your own fault for wearing armor," said Aragorn grumpily. He was pissed because he had been forced to relinquish the drivers seat to Legolas after the patrolman incident.  
  
"There's no need to get all shirty about it!" grumbled Gimli  
  
"The king of Gondor gets shirty when he wants to!" retorted Aragorn.  
  
"I'm hungry," said Legolas unexpectedly. "Why don't we stop at the IHOP in Berkeley?  
  
"THATS OUR LINE!" yelled all the hobbits.  
  
"Since when do elves eat pancakes?" asked Boromir.  
  
"The practice was introduced by Glorfindel early in the third age-"  
  
"Not true!" interrupted Gimli. "Everyone knows that the elves stole the first pancake recipe from the dwarves in the first age!"  
  
"Like dwarves are smart enough to make something as culinarily complicated as a pancake!" scoffed Legolas.  
  
"Pancakes were invented by hobbits!" said Sam indignantly.  
  
"Ahem, dudes! Pancakes are from Gondor!" shouted Boromir.  
  
"No, they came from Numenor with Isildur!" yelled Aragorn, throwing the scrabble board through Boromir.  
  
"Let's wake up Gandalf, he'll know," Pippin tugged the wizards beard and squirted him with Sam's water bottle. "Oi, Gandalf!" he shouted. "Where do pancakes come from!?!??"  
  
Gandalf opened one eye to glare at Pippin. "The wizards brought them from Valinor," he growled, before pulling his cloak over his head and going back to sleep.  
  
"A lot of help HE was!" muttered Gimli.  
  
Suddenly Legolas slammed on the brakes, and since no one was wearing seat belts, they were all thrown onto the floor in haphazard heaps with various bits of luggage, food, and scrabble pieces on top of them.  
  
"What the hell??" shouted Gandalf. "Stupid gay elf! I'll turn you into that deformed mushroom-like orc from ROTK!!!"  
  
"Mushrooms?" squealed Merry. "Where??"  
  
"MRPH!" said Frodo, from underneath Pippin, a half eaten hamburger, and Legolas's suitcase.  
  
"Get off him!" yelled Sam, hurling his frying pan at Pippins head.  
  
Pippin dodged the frying pan, but accidentally stuck his hand through Boromir, making it go numb.  
  
"Even I can drive better than Legolas!" shouted Aragorn from underneath the seat. "Slamming on the *&&^$%# brakes like that! I was almost crushed by the inertial forces!!"  
  
"Perhaps you would have liked me to crash into the back of that hummer!" snapped Legolas, gesturing out the window. A bunch of anarchist teenage girls were blocking the street, chanting anti-war slogans and bombarding passing SUV's with eggs and suction cup darts. The hummer in question belonged to California governor Arnold Schwartzenagger, and was currently having it's tires stuck full of thumbtacks.  
  
"NO BLOOD FOR OIL!!!!!" screamed Galadriel-in-disguise.  
  
"HANG BUSH!!!" yelled Usagi, firing darts at random.  
  
"NOOOOOOO FUTURE!!!!" hollered electrocuted-elf, brandishing her 'STOMP THE RICH" sign.  
  
"STUPID KIDS!" shouted Arnold. "YOU VILL NOT STOP ME FROM BECOMING ZE DICTATOR OF CALIFORNIA! I'LL BE BACK!!!"  
  
Makiyo and Kiki-chan finished lacerating his tires and set to work covering his car with bright purple spray paint.  
  
Gandalf sighed. "Only in Berkeley."  
  
Legolas rolled down the window. "Excuse me, rabid anarchists! Would you mind letting me get through? I've got four hungry hobbits in the back seat, and they're likely to do something drastic if they don't get food soon."  
  
"Uh oh! Bad idea!" murmured Boromir.  
  
"Hey! It's Legolas!!" said Galadriel-in-disguise.  
  
"WHERE?!?!" screamed Kiki-chan in excitement, accidentally spraying Arnold in the face.  
  
"LEGOLAS MUST DIE!!!" yelled Usagi, and began lobbing eggs at him. Most of them missed, but one hit him in the middle of the face, temporarily knocking him out.  
  
"ROLL UP THE WINDOW DUDE!!" shouted Aragorn, pulling Legolas back inside the Eurovan by his collar. He grabbed the wheel, did a spectacular 180 degree turn, and roared off down a side street.  
  
"Oh my GOD! Aragorn is sooooooooooooooo sexy!!" screamed Galadriel-in- disguise, and fainted.  
  
"Legolas is sexier!!" yelled Kiki-chan. "I'm going to kill you, Usagi!!"  
  
"PIPPIN ALL THE WAY!!" shouted electrocuted-elf.  
  
"Kill Orlando Bloom! Kill Orlando Bloom!" chanted Usagi.  
  
Makiyo shook her head. "You guys are all insane."  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
Meanwhile, a dark figure was creeping down a nearby alley. Sinister music starts playing. The dark figure pulled out a cell phone. "Hello? Agent Laire?...Yes, this is Agent Lem.... We have results at last!! The fellowship has been sited not too far from here...I know...if we can pull this off we'll get sent to Middle Earth for sure...call headquarters. It's time to send in the shock troops." Agent Lem hung up. "The age of men is over! The age of the fangirls is about to begin! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!" she got her feet tangled in her oversized trench coat and fell over.  
  
BUM BUM BUM!!! ************************************************************************ Okaaaaaay...That was beyond weird. FUUUUUUUUUN!!! Hyperrrrrr! Hang Arnold!!! Remember, my associates and I would never do these things. We are pacifists. (Mostly)  
  
To my reviewers: (FORTY!!*hands out e-candy and party hats*)  
  
Jandalf the Orange: Fangirls are very scary, I know.  
  
electrocuted-elf: You spelled victimize right, but you spelled Pippins name wrong. Whatever. And yes, I do victimize everyone equally. Your fanfic rocks by the way. I heard there was an earthquake in southern California. Could you feel it where you are?  
  
Happy molecule: The REALLY strange thing is that Gimli actually calls Aragorn Arry in ROTK. Peter Jackson has a weird mind.  
  
elf from Rivendell: You've got competition for Legolas now!!  
  
pherhyandoiel: I don't know if they're going into that part of the U.S., but if they do, they can definitely pass through Chicago. I could put you in the next chapter as a Gimli fangirl if you want.  
  
Natural Beauty: *Thanks*  
  
mousie2: We'll just have to see who gets Aragorn first! ^_^  
  
Ainu Laire: Well, I put you in as a rabid fangirl. I hope you don't mind. The Fellowship may stop at your house too.  
  
lemluvspirates: Okay! I put you in! Finally! I hope its not too disturbing being a fangirl agent.  
  
Mornie Utule: I think that by the end of this fanfic, the fellowship will have patrolmen from all fifty states after them. (Well, maybe not Alaska and Hawaii, but who cares) 


	7. EVIL fangirls and falling objects

Disclaimer:*Looks around, sees members of the fellowship fingering their weapons, and decides to take a VERY long vacation.*  
  
A/n: HAPPY! I'm back home on my own computer that doesn't crash whenever I try to go to LOTR.net. However, I now officially hate 'The Grateful Dead', after being forced to listen to them for ten hours of mind numbing driving through southern Oregon. When I'm done with the fangirls I'm going to bash the 'Dead'. I may bash Peter Jackson too. This chapter kinda sucks, but be nice to me. My brain is mush.  
  
And now...  
  
Chapter 7:  
  
After tearing off in the first random direction that came to mind, Aragorn has gotten the Fellowship lost and they are driving around in circles trying to find a gas station...  
  
"This is the THIRD TIME we've driven past that record store!" grumbled Legolas, who had a large lump on his head from being hit with an extra- large free-range organic chicken egg. "Admit it, you don't know where the hell you're going."  
  
"I'm NOT lost! I know exactly where I am!"  
  
"Fine! Where are we then?"  
  
"Umm..."  
  
"See! You ARE lost! Do we have a map of this place somewhere?"  
  
Gandalf began digging in the glove compartment. "Let me see...We have a map of Iowa, a map of Florida, a map of Disney Land, a map of southern Texas, a map of Nome, Alaska, the 1954 edition of the 'Wyoming Road Atlas,' and 'A United States Tour Guide for Dummies.' We do NOT have a map of the Bay Area."  
  
Suddenly the Eurovan made a sputtering sound, and stopped moving.  
  
"*&%$! We're out of gas!" muttered Aragorn. "We'll have to get out and push."  
  
"Push where? In circles? We still don't know where we're going!" snapped Legolas. "Let's just call a tow-truck or something."  
  
"Mr. Frodo is not pushing ANYTHING!" said Sam threateningly.  
  
Just then, Aragorn's cell phone rang. Typically, after several frantic minutes of hunting through his luggage, it was discovered in his pocket. The conversation went something like this:  
  
Aragorn: Hello.  
  
Agent Laire: *freaky heavy breathing*  
  
Aragorn: Hello?  
  
Agent Laire: *more freaky heavy breathing*  
  
Aragorn: HELLO?!?! WILL YOU *&%#ING SAY SOMETHING?!  
  
Agent Laire: SEVEN MINUTES!!  
  
Aragorn: What?!?!  
  
Agent Laire: You heard me. *click*  
  
"Who was that?" asked Gimli.  
  
"I don't know, and I don't want to know!" said Aragorn shakily. "I wonder how they got my number?"  
  
*The author gulps guiltily* Seven minutes later...  
  
Legolas suddenly and inexplicably stood up, hitting his head on the roof of the Eurovan, "SOMETHING DRAWS NEAR!! I CAN FEEL IT!!!"  
  
"How much hobbit weed have you had..." asked Aragorn suspiciously.  
  
"Shh!" hissed Gandalf. "I hear something!"  
  
The Fellowship held their collective breath and listened intently. Faint shrieks could be heard in the distance, and they were gradually getting louder.  
  
"IT'S FANGIRLS!" yelled Legolas. "RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Frodo squeaked and fainted. Sam pulled out his frying pan and stood over him looking fierce. Merry and Pippin dived under their seats, and Aragorn and Legolas ran around in circles screaming. Gandalf and Gimli, however, didn't look too concerned. I wonder why? *cough*  
  
Boromir, being dead, wasn't very worried either. "Look dudes, there's no way the author can bash Peter Jackson if we have to escape from fangirls in the next chapter..." it was good advice, but no one was listening.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Legolas and Aragorn, still running in circles.  
  
Suddenly, a large card board box fell out of the sky in front of Aragorn, bringing him up short. "What the hell..." he gasped. Legolas plowed into him from behind and bowled him over.  
  
A few seconds later a brick with a note wrapped around it followed, and hit Legolas on the head, knocking him out.  
  
"The fangirls are getting closer!!!" shouted Merry, sticking his head out. "Shouldn't we DO something besides stand around like a bunch of brainless peacocks?"  
  
"I'm not--" began Aragorn, but he didn't get to finish, because "READ THE NOTE, IDIOT!!!!" had just appeared in the sky in large green letters. "Fine! Fine!" he muttered, and opened the note. It said:  
  
Dear Fellowship,  
The box that just fell out of the sky contains the only thing that we know of that stops fangirls. We would come save you ourselves, except that we are busy toilet papering the Pentagon, so you'll just have to cope. TRY not to be your normal boneheaded selves and screw things up.  
ANARCHY!  
Galadriel-in-disguise  
electrocuted-elf  
Usagi  
Makiyo  
Kiki-chan (a.k.a. BLANK) P.S. The brick was Usagi's idea.  
  
Aragorn quickly opened the box. It contained twenty cans of-  
  
"Cheez-Whiz?!?!?!" asked Gandalf incredulously, peering over his shoulder.  
  
Just then, the fangirls, led by Agents Lem&Laire rounded the last corner saw the Fellowship. They started yelling things like "GIMME FRODO!" and "LEGSY'S MINE!"  
  
"It's now or never!" shouted Aragorn, and opened fire, spraying Cheez-Whiz in all directions. It took effect immediately. The fangirls it hit turned weird colors and passed out with a lot of loud screaming and flailing around.  
  
"SKILLS!" he yelled. "All you guys are busy being wimps, unconscious, overprotective, insubstantial, or apathetic, so I get to defeat an entire fangirl army ALL BY MY SELF! GO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" After Aragorn decimated ¾ of their army, the rest of the fangirls fled shrieking into the distance, and eventually got arrested for trespassing on Travis Air Force base.  
  
"Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate!?!" sang Aragorn, doing a little victory dance.  
  
"Aragorn, stop acting like a hobbit on a sugar high!" snapped Gandalf. "Now, can I call attention to-"  
  
"Oh, a hobbit on a sugar high is MUCH worse!" said Pippin, crawling out from under the seat. "If we have any marshmallows I could demonstrate..."  
  
Gandalf ignored him. "What I was GOING to say, is that we are still lost and out of gas! Now, are we going to do anything about this, or have you're brains suddenly fallen out of you're ears and rendered you more incapable of coherent thought than you already are?!"  
  
"Whoa, too many big words," said Merry.  
  
Gandalf was about to do something very violent involving a certain hobbit and some large explosions, but a twenty-gallon barrel of gas fell out of the sky and knocked him out.  
  
"Oh great! THREE unconscious people!" grumbled Gimli.  
  
"Look on the bright side," said Sam in an annoyingly cheerful voice. "At least we can start the car again. All though we ARE still lost..." A map fell out of the sky and hit him on the head. "Okaaaaaaaay."  
  
* * * * * * * * *  
  
After the Fellowship had left in search of greener pastures, i.e. the nearest McDonalds, Agent Lem and Agent Laire crept out from behind the conveniently placed trash cans where they had taken cover when they realized Aragorn was armed with Cheez-Whiz.  
  
"We were SO CLOSE!" wailed Agent Lem. "Stupid Anarchists!! Now I'll never get Sam!"  
  
"Stop whining!" snapped Agent Laire. "It's not over yet, or have you forgotten plan B?"  
  
"Oh yeah..." ********************************************************  
  
That's all very well, but I've no idea what plan B is. Oh well. I'm going to spend the next few chapters bashing P.J. and 'The Dead' anyway. So did you like this chapter? If you didn't, please tell me! I'm a little disturbed that I've only gotten one negative review. I mean, this story isn't THAT good... To my reviewers: (FIFTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*fireworks*)  
  
Lady Lanet: You live in Washington? Cool! I did, but...now I live in California. Washinton is better though!! P.S. I know it doesn't rain CONSTANTLY there, but it rains A LOT...I think I read somewhere that it's the wettest state in the continental U.S.  
  
Mousie2: My Christmas was great. Everything I got was related to LOTR in some way...And I'm totally going to get Aragorn before you do. Even if I don't, I still have a LARGE poster of him I can stare at! ^_^  
  
Miss Perfects Shadow: Thanks for reading my story! I hope it didn't leave you mentally damaged or anything...some fanfiction does that.  
  
Ainu Laire: You have a ring TOO!?!? Everyone has one except me! *sniff* Oh well. At least I have my Aragorn bookmark. I'm not precisely a Democrat...I'm more of a socialist, or an anarchist, but I definitely think Arnold Schwarzenegger has no business being governor of ANYTHING, let alone the state I inhabit!!  
  
Terra Nova: *BOING BOING BOING* Merry Christmas to you too! (And no, I have not suddenly morphed into Tigger...)  
  
electrocuted elf: Yes, IT IS COME TO THIS. That is, if THIS means having to write pointless squabbling into every review...This is like arguing over who is better, Aragorn or Boromir. We should stop...your environmentalist peacenik elfie dudes rock! I wish I had made them up! Don't worry, I won't steal them. UPDATE YOUR FANFIC!!!!  
  
lemluvspirates: Well, you got blasted with Cheez-Whiz by Aragorn, but don't worry! There's still Plan B. And Plan C. And D. And E....I have no idea what they ARE, but they EXIST. At least I have until like, chapter 11 to think of something.  
  
More Later 


	8. Rangers Rule, Dwarves Suck!

Disclaimer: I bear Peter Jackson no particular ill will. Well, not much. Overlooked characters however...  
  
A/n: I'm pissed of at P.J. for leaving Halbarad, the Rangers, and Elladan & Elrohir out of ROTK, so I added this into my story. I would have posted it earlier, but fanfiction.net banned another story I wrote, and so I wasn't allowed to upload for a while. What I find particularly obnoxious, is the fact that they wouldn't tell me WHY they banned it...  
  
P.S. Please read my other fic if you haven't already.  
  
Chapter 8:  
  
9:23 PM, five hours after escaping the fangirls. Aragorn is driving down some random road about twenty miles from San Francisco. Everyone is conscious again, but the only happy person is Pippin, who found five bags of marshmallows in Frodo's duffle and ate them ALL...  
  
"I feel PRETTYYYYY! Oh so PRETTYYYY! I feel PRETTYYY and WITTYYY and-"  
  
"Shut the hell up Pippin!" yelled Legolas. "I've been knocked unconscious TWICE in the past day, and my head feels like it's been stuck trampled by Oliphaunts!!"  
  
"You think you've got it bad?" roared Gandalf. "I got hit with a *&%#$&% 120 pound gas tank! There is a lump on my head the size of a *&%#$%& Volkswagen!!"  
  
"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" shrieked Pippin, jumping up and down on the seat.  
  
"I see string beans," mumbled Frodo, who was still in shock from the fangirl attack.  
  
"I think we should all CALM down. CALM!" said Aragorn. "I will now play some relaxing music," he put on the Sound of Music soundtrack.  
  
"The hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiils are aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive, with the sound of muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusic! With songs they have suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuung, for a thousssssssand yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeears!" came blasting out of the stereo at full volume.  
  
Everyone screamed and covered their ears.  
  
"Oops...wrong CD," Aragorn threw The Sound of Music out the window and put on Oops!...I Did it Again! by Britney Spears.  
  
"Oops! I did it again! I play with your heart! Got lost in the game!"  
  
Everyone fell of their seats and started seizuring.  
  
"My ears are bleeding!" moaned Merry.  
  
"MY BRAIN IS MELTING!" shouted Legolas. "I'M GETTING SPLIT ENDS!!!"  
  
"Ahhhhh! Cheese puff! CHEESE PUFF!" squealed the still mentally unbalanced Frodo.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Gimli, and threw his ax at the stereo.  
  
The resulting explosion vaporized Gimli's ax, the stereo, a bag of hapless gummy bears, and burned Aragorn's eyebrows completely off. The Britney Spears CD was unharmed.  
  
"Aragorn! What the HELL was that?!?!" demanded Legolas. His temper wasn't improved by the fact that he had accidentally stuck his head into Sam's Happy Meal, and his hair had acquired large amounts of ketchup and pickle fragments.  
  
"Yah!" said Merry, trying to staunch his nose bleed. "Are you trying to kill us or something?"  
  
"No! I just like Britney Spears, that's all!" said Aragorn defensively.  
  
Frodo snorted. "And people accuse ME of being gay!"  
  
"Hey! I thought you were catatonic!" said Gimli.  
  
"Oh yeah..." Frodo fell over and started drooling.  
  
Meanwhile, Legolas was still yelling at Aragorn.  
  
"LOOK at my hair! I can't even WASH it because that IDIOT Pippin ate my shampoo..."  
  
Pippin looked up from flicking cookie crumbs at Sam. "I liked the way it smelled!"  
  
"Gahhhhhh!"  
  
"Look, at least you HAVE hair!" snapped Aragorn. "I no longer have eyebrows!!!"  
  
"I can fix that," said Gandalf, and whacked Aragon between the eyes with his staff.  
  
"Owww! What the hell Gandalf!" Aragorn felt his forehead gingerly. "Hey! My eyebrows are back!"  
  
Legolas took one look at him and burst out laughing.  
  
Aragorn glared at him. "What?"  
  
"They...They...They're GREEN!" gasped Legolas. "You've got green eyebrows dude!!"  
  
Aragorn craned his neck to look in the rear view mirror. "HOLY *#&%, I DO!!!! Gandalf!?!?"  
  
The wizard shifted uncomfortably. "Just a side affect. It should wear off in a few weeks."  
  
"WEEKS?!? That's IT!!" Aragorn let go of the wheel and lunged at Gandalf, who dodged him by leaping over the seat onto Merry and Pippin, who squealed loudly and bit him. Aragorn landed on his face in the passenger seat, and the Eurovan shot off the road, skidded down the bank, spun around, and came to rest in a ditch.  
  
"Oh *&$^!" said Boromir. "Now look what you freaks have done!"  
  
Legolas got out of the car and peered up and down the empty highway. "We'll just have to wait until someone comes along who can help us pull it out."  
  
"Wait!" said Gimli. "Can't Aragorn call a tow-truck on his cell phone?"  
  
Aragorn shook his head. "No I can't."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Pippin ate it."  
  
"WHAT!?!?!?!?!" screamed everyone else.  
  
"Just kidding," laughed Aragorn. "The battery's dead."  
  
"That was soooooooo not funny, Strider!" muttered Pippin.  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
Nine hours later. It is now well after six in the morning.  
  
"It's hopeless!" sighed Legolas. "Nobody's come, and no ones going to come."  
  
"We're going to be stranded here forever!!" wailed Merry.  
  
"We're all gonna DIE!" squeaked Pippin.  
  
"Shut it you idiots!" snapped Gandalf. "We're only fifteen miles from San Francisco! We can WALK back if we have to!"  
  
"Fifteen miles is a LONG way!!" whined Pippin.  
  
Legolas kicked him. "You walked all the way from Bree to Amon Hen! That's like a HUNDRED miles!"  
  
"But I'm HUNGRY!"  
  
"I think we should kill Frodo," said Merry. "Then we can eat him."  
  
"EW! Your really sick Merry, you know that?"  
  
"AHHH! It was a joke! It was a joke! HELP!!" yelled Merry, who was being whacked repeatedly over the head by Sam.  
  
"Wait!" said Legolas. "There IS someone coming!"  
  
Aragorn looked. "Nuh-uh! I can't see anything!"  
  
"That's 'cause you're a mortal with stunted eyesight! I've got super-duper elfie vision, so HAH!"  
  
Aragorn threw his potato chips at Legolas. "Well, at least I don't have hissy fits when I lose my shampoo!"  
  
"Because you don't have shampoo at ALL! If you've washed you're hair in the past week, then I'm a dwarf!"  
  
"Stop acting like four year olds!" bellowed Gandalf. "If we want help, we're going to have to attract these people's attention!"  
  
"Huh?" said Aragorn and Legolas.  
  
"We're seven yards down a bank in a ditch! We may not be visible from the road!"  
  
"FYI, Gandalf!" said Aragorn irritably. "We're also bright pink! It's not like we're hard to miss!"  
  
"I'm not taking any chances!" growled Gandalf. "Do you want to spend another nine hours down here?"  
  
"Fine! Fine! What's your freaking plan?"  
  
Gandalf grinned evilly. "I think Aragorn and Legolas should go up on the road and start doing cheerleader impersonations. That's bound to attract attention."  
  
"Well, DUH!" said Legolas disgustedly. "They'll call the frigging mental hospital!"  
  
Gandalf shrugged. "At least we'll get out of the ditch."  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
Five minutes later: Aragorn and Legolas have somehow found cheerleader uniforms that are only slightly too small for them, and are now standing grumpily on the road, thinking of ways to get revenge on Gandalf.  
  
"We could dye his robes yellow!" muttered Aragorn. "Or better yet, GREEN!"  
  
"He'd just bleach 'em," replied Legolas. "We have to think of something REALLY painful..."  
  
"The car is approaching!" called Gandalf. "I want to see some moves!"  
  
Aragorn and Legolas groaned, and started doing halfhearted kicks and waving their pompoms unenthusiastically.  
  
The 'car' in question was actually more of a bus. It was bright purple, with chipped paint, and obviously hadn't been washed for some years. It had "Rangers Rule!!!" painted on the side in large black letters, a "Not all those who wander are lost" bumper sticker, and another one that said "Dwarves suck".  
  
The bus came barreling down the highway and slammed on the brakes right in front of Legolas and Aragorn. There was a pause, then an elf stuck his head out the window and stared at them in shock.  
  
"Aragorn? Legolas?! What the *&$%#*% hell are you doing out on highway 1 at six in the morning in cheerleader outfits? Have you taken up being manwhores or something?!?!"  
  
Aragorn gulped. "Um...Hi Elladan."  
  
Elrohir stuck his head out the other window. "What's up bro? Hey, why'd you dye you're eyebrows green?"  
  
"It's Gandalf's fault," said Aragorn.  
  
"What?" asked Elladan. "The eyebrows or the cheerleader duds?"  
  
"Both. You see, my eyebrows got blasted off when Gimli blew up the stereo, and when Gandalf tried to put them back on, they came out green. Then our Eurovan got driven off the road and down the bank-"  
  
"That was YOUR fault!" interrupted Legolas.  
  
"It was NOT!"  
  
"You were driving!"  
  
"That proves nothing! So anyway, we waited for nine hours for someone to drive by, but no one came. Then Legolas saw your car...um...bus, and Gandalf made us dress up like cheerleaders and block the road so you'd be sure to stop."  
  
Elladan and Elrohir blinked stupidly at them, while Halbarad, who was in the middle of the front seat, made faces at them through the windshield.  
  
"It sounds like you've had an...eventful road trip so far," said Elrohir after a moment.  
  
"That's one of the biggest understatements I've ever heard," said Legolas emphatically. "It's right up there with 'Celeborn is brain dead' or 'Gollum has issues.'"  
  
"But enough about US," said Aragorn. "What are YOU doing on highway 1 at six in the morning?"  
  
Elladan grinned and cracked his knuckles. "We're going to get revenge on that bastard Peter Jackson!"  
  
"Who's Peter Jackson?" asked Legolas.  
  
"The director," said Elrohir aggrievedly. "You know, the one who LEFT US OUT OF THE MOVIE!!"  
  
"Oh him," said Aragorn. "You do know that he lives in New Zealand don't you?"  
  
"Of course. We would have come through there, but everyone else was doing that, and it was rather crowded."  
  
"Everyone else?"  
  
"Everyone else that got left out of the movie. Like Beregond, Saruman, Grima, Ioreth, Imrahil, about a hundred random hobbits..."  
  
"Okay, okay, we get the picture. Would you guys mind helping us pull our Eurovan out of the ditch?"  
  
"Sure," said Elrohir. "Come on lads!"  
  
Thirty rangers jumped out of the bus windows and started doing the song and dance routine for "Men in Tights."  
  
"We're men! (Manly men!) We're men in tights! We roam around Eriador looking for fights..."  
  
"Oh my god! SHUT UP!" yelled Elladan. "Will you stop doing that?!?! That got us kicked out of that McDonalds in Tulsa, if you'll remember! Just pull Estel's freaking van back onto the road!"  
  
The rangers made everyone take all their luggage out of the Eurovan before attaching ropes to it and dragging it slowly up the bank with lots of macho grunts and snorting.  
  
"How are you going to get to New Zealand?" asked Gandalf.  
  
Halbarad, Elladan, and Elrohir gave identical evil grins. "We're going on the paths...of the DEADHEADS!! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!"  
  
"The paths of the deadheads??" said Gimli incredulously.  
  
"Yah," said Halbarad. "They're under Golden Gate Park. The other end comes out in a sewer in Wellington."  
  
"Do you dudes want to come?" asked Elrohir. "The more guys with sharp, pointy weapons the better, I say..."  
  
"Sure!" said Aragorn. Then he thought of something. "Have they got fangirls in Wellington?"  
  
"I don't know," said Elladan. "Probably."  
  
Aragorn sighed. "Well, at least I've got five bottles of Cheese-Whiz left."  
  
Elladan and Elrohir exchanged blank looks. *******************************************************************  
  
A/n: If you're worried, rest assured that nothing bad actually happens to Peter Jackson. Well, nothing REALLY bad. Next chapter: The paths of the deadheads! (Jerry Garcia gives me seizures)  
  
To my (wonderful!) reviewers: (Seventy-SIX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)  
  
happy molecule: Yah, Aragorn totally rocks. And Pippin and Elrond, but not as much as Aragorn. I don't think it's possible to be cooler than Aragorn. (Yah, I'm obsessed) And yes, Arnold is crazy. He's also my governor. *gag*  
  
Burn the R.U.M.: Are you a Pippin obsessor? My friend electrocuted-elf is too. You should read her fic. It's brilliant.  
  
totallyObsessedwithLOTR: You love Aragorn AND Legolas? I just love Aragorn, but I guess Legolas is hot. (My friend Kiki-chan loves him)  
  
Cecilia Gray: Thanks. I LOVE reviews. I love positive reviews more. So thanks. Again.  
  
oyome: Thanks. The Cheese-Whiz just came to me in a flash of random brilliance.  
  
mousie2: You can TRY to get Aragorn before me. Actually, my massive poster also has Legolas and Gimli on it too, but they're tiny compared to Aragorn. (His head is like, almost life sized) Plus, I stuck little pictures of him all over my room.  
  
firefoxillusion007: I think most people on ff.net are fangirls in some degree, including MOI! I think it's just because most of the ff.net people are teenage girls, or at least they SAY they are...  
  
elf from Rivendell: Whoa, calm down. Nobody's going to take Legolas away!  
  
Anna: Hi! Thanks for reviewing! Happy Holidays to you too.  
  
Aurora: You live in Fremont? I live in the bay area too. I know my fic is warped. I'm warped too! Warped is good! FUN! Hehehehehehehehehehehe!  
  
Lady Lanet: I like storms! Not when they destroy trees though. I like trees.  
  
Ainu Laire: When Arnold fixes the budget, then I'll believe he deserved to be elected. Do you still have a split personality? Try duct tape. It fixes anything.  
  
Reasonably crazy: Yah! Knocking Legolas unconscious is WAY fun!  
  
lemluvspirates: The cheetos sound a little far fetched, but I will soooooooo use you're 'give up the Halfling' thing. That's brilliance.  
  
Mornie Utule: I've gotten really really really hyper before. The weird thing is, I didn't have any sugar before hand. There were some truly weird incidents involving my friends chasing me around with a twister mat, but let's not go there.  
  
electrocuted-elf: Don't be disturbing! Mary Sue=BAD! Remember that now. Yes, my brain has been permanently warped by the Dead. I hate Mr. Etch. Running the mile sucks. DUH! ImustgetaleadintheplayImustgetaleadintheplayImustgetaleadintheplayImustgetal e adintheplay...Okay I'm STILL psycho from the audition. Mrs. Mitani totally does have Dick Cheney in her attic. I saw your story on the front page. I hope you get lots of reviews.  
  
Phew! That was a lot of reviews! Not that I'm complaining though. I like reviews. So review! Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
More Later 


	9. Elladan gets driven 'round the bend

Disclaimer: Je suis une fromage!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Aragorn: Tu sont? Moi aussi!  
  
Pippin: o.O Vous parlez francais??!?  
  
Aragorn: Oui, idiot!  
  
Everyone else: STOP IT WITH THE FRENCH, DUDES!!  
  
A/n: I saw ROTK for the third time. Not that any of you CARE. Read my other fic if you haven't already. And I know the Patricia thing is lame. I couldn't think of anything else.  
  
Chapter 9:  
  
In some random parking lot in Golden Gate Park...  
  
"We have to ditch the cars," said Elladan.  
  
The Fellowship looked wistfully at their Eurovan.  
  
"Ditch the cars?" asked Merry in a small voice. "But Patricia will get lonely out here all by herself."  
  
Elladan looked confused. "Who the hell's Patricia?"  
  
"The Eurovan," said Merry, beginning to sniffle.  
  
"You named our Eurovan PATRICIA!?!" asked Legolas disgustedly.  
  
Merry started to bawl.  
  
Aragorn rolled his eyes "There's no need to cry Merry! I'm sure Petunia-"  
  
"Patricia!!" interrupted Merry  
  
"Fine! I'm sure PATRICIA will be perfectly all right if we leave her here for a few days."  
  
"No she won't!" sobbed Merry. "What if it rains, or a TREE falls on her, or she gets STOLEN!"  
  
Aragorn tried to look reassuring, instead of like someone who wanted to kick Merry over yonder outhouse. "First of all, Patricia is a CAR/VAN! She won't melt if she gets a little wet. Second, the nearest tree is over there!" he pointed to a row of seedlings that Patricia could easily have rolled right over with no adverse effects whatsoever. "Third, NO ONE WOULD STEAL AN UGLY PINK EUROVAN WITH NO STEREO AND A LARGE SCORCH MARK ON THE FRONT SEAT!!!!"  
  
Merry, now totally hysterical, ignored him.  
  
Legolas groaned. "Are you guys sure we can't just bring the stupid thing with us?"  
  
"Unfortunately, yes," said Elrohir. "The entrance to the Paths of the Dead Heads is inside a drinking fountain. The Eurovan would never fit."  
  
Gandalf scratched his head. "How do you enter a drinking fountain?"  
  
"You don't," said Elladan, glaring at Elrohir. "You hack the drinking fountain into tiny pieces and lower yourself down the resulting hole on a piece of magic elfie rope."  
  
Elrohir made a face at Elladan. "You forgot the earmuffs!"  
  
"Earmuffs?"  
  
"Yah! The earmuffs! Ya know..." Elrohir crossed his eyes and poked himself hard in the forehead.  
  
"Oh! The EARMUFFS! Now I understand! Do you Gandalf?"  
  
"Yes," said Gandalf, although he didn't have a clue.  
  
"Good!" said Elladan. "Is everyone ready to go?"  
  
"Yes," said Elrohir and Halbarad.  
  
"YES!" shouted the rangers. "WE'RE MEN, WE'RE MEN IN--"  
  
"SHUT UP YOU PONCES!!" bellowed Elladan. He turned and glared at the Fellowship.  
  
"Yes!" said Sam hurriedly.  
  
"Uh huh," said Gimli.  
  
"Totally!" said Aragorn and Legolas, who had just finished tying Merry up with Gandalf's long underwear.  
  
"I guess so," said Boromir.  
  
"Irk," said Frodo.  
  
"Yah!" said Pippin. "And stop being an @$$ Frodo! We all know you're faking!  
  
"Noooooooooooo!" wailed Merry as he was dragged away. "I'll come back for you Patricia! Daddy loves you!"  
  
"Get stuffed," muttered Aragorn.  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
"Are you sure this is the right drinking fountain?" whined Halbarad.  
  
"Of course I'm sure!" snapped Elladan. "And if you don't shut up I'll stick gum in your hair again!" Halbarad shut up.  
  
The Fellowship stared at the drinking fountain. It looked ordinary enough. It was about three feet high, ugly, concrete, and with the normal amounts of graffiti and old gum stuck to the sides.  
  
"So..." said Aragorn at last. "According to you, we have to destroy this drinking fountain to get to the paths of the deadheads."  
  
"Umm, DUH!" said Elrohir.  
  
"Well, what are we waiting for?!" shouted Gimli, he started to throw his ax at the drinking fountain, then remembered that it had been vaporized when he'd blown up the stereo.  
  
"Dwarves!" muttered Elladan. "Have at it men! And NO SINGING!"  
  
The rangers stuck out their tongues and started to whack at the drinking fountain with their swords. However, it was apparently made of mithril, or something equally hard, because their efforts had no effect whatsoever. After eleven rangers had stubbed their toes, gotten minor abrasions, or knocked themselves out, Gandalf lost patience.  
  
"STAND BACK!" he thundered, brandishing his staff. There was a loud BANG and the drinking fountain disappeared in a cloud of blue smoke smelling strongly of anchovy pizza.  
  
"Handy having a wizard around,' remarked Halbarad to the large purple oyster that had just materialized on his head.  
  
Elrohir slapped him. "I told you to stay off the LSD's you freak!"  
  
"FOR THE LAST TIME," bellowed Aragorn. "THIS FIC IS SUPPOSED TO BE DRUG FREE!"  
  
Halbarad was trampled by a large T-Rex that had just arrived from the fourteenth dimension (i.e. he passed out) and Elrohir looked around sheepishly.  
  
Suddenly, a large white rabbit popped out from under a parked car. "*&$%, I'm late!" it said, and disappeared down the hole where the drinking fountain had been.  
  
"It's wabbit season!" shouted the rangers. They pulled out water pistols and attempted to fire down the hole, but being the stupid klutzes that they were, only succeeded in completely soaking everything within a twenty yard radius.  
  
Elladan groaned, and put his head in his hands. "I should NEVER have let them watch Looney Toons!" he muttered.  
  
"No sweat, bro," said Elrohir, trying to confiscate the water guns. "It was that or the Barney sing-along and--"  
  
The rangers immediately dropped their water pistols and started to chant: "I LOVE YOU! YOU LOVE ME! LET'S CHASE ELLADAN UP A TREE!"  
  
Elladan whimpered and began banging his head against a conveniently placed minivan.  
  
Gandalf decided to do something before the situation could deteriorate further. He pulled a large orange megaphone from behind Pippins ear and started shouting random stuff in the black speech. Most of the rangers fell down and started twitching, which, if not good, was at least better than the singing. Meanwhile, Halbarad, who had been revived by all the water, ran around bitch slapping anyone who refused to shut up.  
  
Finally, there was silence, except for Frodo, who was doing some kind of mime and muttering football commands under his breath, and Elladan, who was attempting to gnaw his own leg off, and being restrained by Aragorn and Gimli.  
  
Legolas cleared his throat. "Ahem! Now that we are all MORE OR LESS settled down," he glared pointedly at Frodo, "are we going to actually ENTER the paths of the deadheads, or will we just stand around out here until we get attacked by mountain lions, rabid bears, wolves, tourists, park rangers, or something else equally frightening?"  
  
Elrohir sighed. "Lego's got a point--"  
  
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" screeched Legolas.  
  
"Whaaaaaaaaatever," said Elrohir, rolling his eyes. "Okay, you spastic basket cases, down the hole!"  
  
The rangers attached lots and lots of rope to a large "KEEP OFF THE GRASS OR ELSE!" sign and began lowering themselves one by one down the hole while singing 'Row, row, row your boat' and 'Follow the yellow brick road' simultaneously. Elladan sort of gurgled and passed out, much to the relief of Aragorn and Gimli, who had between them sustained three black eyes, a sprained ankle, multiple scratches and bruises, seven cracked ribs, a minor concussion, and a copy of 'Playboy' stuffed up one nostril. I won't tell you whose nostril it was because the victim threatened to sue me and/or tell the FBI who flushed the President's teleprompter down the toilet right before his 'State of the Union' Speech. Sorry.  
  
"WAIT!" yelled Elrohir suddenly, just as the last of the rangers disappeared down the hole. "YOU FORGOT YOU'RE EARMUFFS!" he smacked himself on the forehead. "This can't be good!"  
  
**************************************************************************** **************  
  
A/n: Sorry if that ending was a little awkward. I'll bash the Dead in the next chapter, I promise. Not that any of you care. I just kind of ran out of ideas and figured four pages was long enough for a chapter.  
  
To my reviewers: (102!!!!!!!!!!!! I BROKE 100! I LOVE YOU ALL!)  
  
partichicka74: Thanks. I enjoy positive reviews. *grins, crosses eyes and pokes self hard in forehead*  
  
pherhyandoiel: YOU ARE REVIEWER #100! CONGRADULATIONS! YOU WIN A PART IN THE STORY WHETHER YOU WANT IT OR NOT!!!! I think it will involve the mysterious Plan B.  
  
electrocuted elf: Pippin is NOT sexier than Aragorn. Do we have to go into this again?!? Gahhhhhhh! And why do you hate Tom Bombadil so much? What's he ever done to you eh? Whatever. I know his songs suck, but there's no need to get all hysterical...By the way, how many times has Erica seen ROTK? And I bet I know more Elvish than her, too! Who's more obsessed now?!? ^_^  
  
Happy molecule: Living in California sucks right now. However, I can't vote so it's not my fault my leaders are idiots. *sigh* The rangers are really getting out of hand. I mean BARNEY?!?! Do you know where I could get some tranquilizers?  
  
Saralitazie: Thanks for quoting the parts you liked. It helps me know what my reviewers want.  
  
Ainu Laire: I know we're 100 billion dollars in debt. Arnold has not helped the debt at all. Whatever. I still hate him. The duct tape didn't work? Are you sure it was actually duct tape and not (as electrocuted-elf would say) fake-wannabe duct tape? I got slipped some of that once...  
  
Kelsey: I actually think Peter Jackson's a cool guy. He like, revived LOTR. However, he did leave lotsa stuff out. And characters he left out might not LIKE him very much. Don't be scared of me and my friends. We're just a bunch of hyper nerds. We wouldn't really stand out in an intersection and egg SUV's. We've got too much homework. I AM a scary radical leftist prone to extreme political ranting at a moments notice. It's annoying the hell out of my history teacher.  
  
pippinfan25: Wow, you really love hobbits. I would be disturbed, but since I wrote GO HOBBITS in my math notebook I can't really mock other hobbit fans. *sniff* I also write other random stuff in my notebooks, such as "Legolas: gay or not gay? That is the question."  
  
CompliKated: Maybe I should make this PG13. I could, but I'm too lazy to change it. Thanks for telling me your favorite bits. It really helps.  
  
Lovely Popcorn: Thanks *kicks lemon* I like your name!  
  
Lady Lanet: Okay, here's more story. Hope you like it.  
  
CheerCheerBubblegum: Sorry, they've left Oregon for good. I could still put you in though if you don't mind getting arrested. I need to drag those Oregon patrolmen dudes back into the story.  
  
Mornie Utule: Yah! I love random!! Wheeeeeeeee! I think this chapter is randomer than the other ones.  
  
Punk Hobbit: You can have Legolas, but I am totally getting Aragorn before anyone else! You've got a cool name too.  
  
lemluvspirates: You can take over the world as soon as I finish blowing Peter Jackson into tiny, tiny pieces, and making him listen to Tom Bombadil's bad poetry for several hours. And when I perfect plan B. It's getting there...  
  
Rain Elf: Of course you can be in the story again. It will be after they get back from New Zealand and defeat Plan B. You may end up stowing away in the trunk of Elrond's car or something.  
  
Review people! And if you hated it, REVIEW ANYWAY!!!!!!!!! FLAME ME! I DON'T CARE!!!! *gasp, pant* I've only gotten 1 negative review out of 102. This can't be normal. SOMEONE must have hated my story. It's not THAT good. Of course, I like positive reviews more than negative ones, so if you liked it, TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	10. Elrohir blames Capitalism

A/n: Due to the fact that--  
  
Disclaimer: Hey, what about me?  
  
A/n: You're not important.  
  
Disclaimer: Are too!  
  
A/n: Are NOT. No one reads you, you know.  
  
Disclaimer: And you think people read YOU? I have news for you buddy...  
  
Galadriel-in-disguise: Oh my GOD! Is my author's note really arguing with my disclaimer? This is totally stupid. Whatever. I'll just start the story.  
  
Chapter 10:  
  
"Hurry, people, we have to go after them!" said Elrohir frantically. "Everyone take a pair of earmuffs and follow me!" he jammed some pink fluffy ones on his head and jumped down the hole.  
  
The Fellowship looked at each other. Elladan gurgled.  
  
"Earmuffs?" said Legolas.  
  
"Yah, EARMUFFS!" said Elrohir, sticking his head back up. "Now put some on and get your @$$#$ down here!"  
  
The Fellowship shrugged and began stuffing the twitching Elladan and Merry down the hole. Sam went to collect Frodo, who had climbed a tree and was trying to communicate with some invisible green monkeys.  
  
"You have to come down now, Mr. Frodo!" said Sam.  
  
Frodo made some unintelligible noises and stuck out his tongue.  
  
"Now, Now, Mr. Frodo--"  
  
"Frodo!" interrupted Gandalf. "If you don't come down here RIGHT NOW, I'm going to inform the nearest fangirl cult of your location!!"  
  
Frodo squeaked and fell out of the tree. He was immediately tackled by Legolas and Aragorn, who stuffed him into a pair of earmuffs and dropped him down the hole.  
  
"The next time he starts acting weird, I swear I'm going to KICK his skinny ass over the MOON!" muttered Gandalf.  
  
"But Mr. Frodo is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder!" whined Sam.  
  
Legolas snorted. "Frodo is FAKING post traumatic stress disorder in order to get out of doing stuff. There's a distinct difference."  
  
"Sam!" said Aragorn, thrusting a pair of earmuffs at him. "Stop whining about your relationship problems with Frodo and get down that hole!"  
  
Sam sulkily donned the proffered earmuffs and climbed sulkily down the hole, which I am now going to call Mauna Loa because I'm tired of calling it just 'the hole'.  
  
"I am NOT gay!" muttered Sam sulkily. "I'm not! I'm married! I've got thirteen kids! Does that sound gay to you?!"  
  
Legolas stuck his head down the h--I mean Mauna Loa. "Sam! It's the twenty- first century/fourth age. It's okay to be gay! I mean, we drove right through the Castro not three hours ago..."  
  
Sam sulkily ignored him.  
  
"Alright, everyone follow Sam!" said Gandalf. "We've been hanging around this stupid park long enough. Have you forgotten the cops are after us?"  
  
"They are?" asked Boromir.  
  
"Fool of a dude from Gondor!" muttered Gandalf as he jumped into Mauna Loa.  
  
*Okay! That sounded wrong. Due to the fact that I don't want any of my readers thinking that Gandalf makes a habit of jumping into volcanoes, I am now going to call Mauna Loa 'Bootstrap Bill'*  
  
So anyway, the rest of the Fellowship climbed, jumped, and/or slithered down the hole formerly know as Mauna Loa, now called Bootstrap Bill. There was a bit of trouble when Gimli got stuck, but Gandalf and Pippin jumped on his head and he got down in the end.  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
In the hole...I mean Bootstrap Bill. WHATEVER!  
  
"Dude, it's totally dark in here!" said Boromir unnecessarily.  
  
"Hello! It's MY job to state the annoyingly obvious!" snapped Legolas.  
  
"Radioactive staff time!" said Gandalf happily. He whacked his staff against the wall. It sort of popped and started glowing a nauseating shade of green, not unlike the color of the fluorescent lighting in certain public bathrooms.  
  
Sam stared around sulkily in awe. "Now there's an eye opener and no mistake!"  
  
Everyone else raised a collective eyebrow. They were in a sort of concrete tunnel thing which for some reason had broken lamp shades and toilet seats glued to the ceiling. The walls were totally covered in shampoo adds except for a large blank space between 'Herbal Essence' and 'Pantene Pro-v' where someone had scrawled "IGGY WAS HERE!!" in what appeared to be purple crayon.  
  
"Whaaaaaaaatever Sam," said Gimli after a moment.  
  
"Time to go where no man has gone before!" declared Gandalf, brandishing his staff and nearly decapitating Legolas.  
  
"What if Iggy was a man?" asked Frodo.  
  
"HAH! I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING!" bellowed Pippin.  
  
"Fine, I was faking," said Frodo sulkily.  
  
"SULKILY IS MY WORD!" yelled Sam.  
  
"We were faking too!" chirped Merry and Elladan.  
  
"I think we've all come to a very nice place!" said Boromir. "Physically...emotionally...grammatically..."  
  
"DO NOT QUOTE JACK SPARROW!" bellowed Legolas.  
  
"That's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow to you, mate!"  
  
"How did you get here?" asked Pippin, gaping at the large hairy pirate dangling from the ceiling.  
  
"How the hell should I know?" muttered Jack, and vanished in shower of orange confetti.  
  
"I think Iggy was likely an ent!" said Gandalf brightly.  
  
"Huh?" said everyone else.  
  
Suddenly a small green furry thing jumped out of a nearby dumpster (don't ask me where that came from) and started yelling loudly about income tax.  
  
"Who are you?" asked Gandalf.  
  
"I'm Iggy!" said the small furry thing. "Don't hate the playah, hate the game!"  
  
"That's...nice," said Gandalf warily.  
  
"Hey, FOOL! Nobody talks that way to IGGY ESCOBAR, knaamean?" it launched itself at Gandalf and bit him on the ankle. Hard.  
  
"Ahhh! Rabies! RABIES!!" hollered Gandalf.  
  
Aragorn rolled his eyes. "Whatever! Come on dudes, let's go find Elrohir."  
  
"WAIT FOR ME!" yelled Gandalf at their receding backs. He turned the still squawking Iggy into a large cabbage and hurried after them.  
  
Iggy the cabbage harrumphed and began muttering about income tax again.  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
It took a while to find Elrohir. The farther they went down the tunnel, the weirder things started to get. In the first ten minutes after their encounter with Iggy, they passed a hair salon, a gigantic shrine to Oprah, Ronald McDonald selling E.T. dolls (Legolas bought one) Judge Judy, and a walking, talking glass of eggnog. Then they tried to take a detour around a troop of rabid, three-headed girl scouts selling cookies and spent twenty minutes lost in something that looked a lot like Toys 'R' Us, except with more moose. FINALLY, after dodging a pack of maroon taxi cabs driven by Mr. Spock clones and narrowly escaping being crushed by what appeared to be Godzilla's grandmother, they found Elrohir.  
  
He was standing in front of a large statue of Sponge Bob giving the rangers a very large piece of his mind.  
  
"...NO EARMUFFS, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? I SHOULD NEVER HAVE BROUGHT YOU ALONG IN THE--" he stopped his tirade when he saw the approaching Fellowship.  
  
The rangers immediately began square dancing to "Turkey in the Straw", while Halbarad played the fiddle.  
  
Elrohir groaned and started yelling again. "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE HELL UP RIGHT NOW I'LL FEED YOU TO THOSE MUTATED SEASAME STREET CHARACTERS OVER THERE."  
  
The rangers started to act out scenes from "Hamlet" without sound.  
  
"That'll have to do!" muttered Elrohir.  
  
"What the hell is going on here?!" demanded Aragorn. "This is supposed to be the paths of the deadheads, right? Well I haven't seen any deadheads the whole freaking time I've been down here! I have seen pretty much everything else though, including a life sized photo of the entire executive branch of the U.S. government IN THE NUDE, which I totally could have done without!"  
  
"Yeah, well...capitalism's taking over everything," said Elrohir. "This entire section of the Paths didn't exist until about the eighties."  
  
"What happened in the eighties?" asked Gandalf.  
  
Elrohir shrugged. "Unemployment, straight leg jeans, the cold war, Reagan, skinny ties, Madonna, Bush # 1, shoulder pads, yuppies, glorification of the stock market, Aids, the Moral Majority, the death of John Lennon, the defeat of the Equal Rights Amendment, Michael Jackson, the arms race, bad sitcoms, Jean Kirkpatrick, general obsession with nukes, the invention of the term plausible deniability..."  
  
"Okay, okay, you can stop now!" said Gandalf hurriedly.  
  
"So where'd the deadheads go?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"And why do we have to wear earmuffs!?!" whined Pippin.  
  
"Inside each earmuff is hidden 0.345 pounds of plastic explosives!" said Elladan cheerfully. "We're using them to smuggle it past customs!"  
  
"I'm wearing plastic explosives on my HEAD?!" asked a horrified Aragorn.  
  
"Customs?" said Legolas quickly.  
  
"Yah, customs!" said Elrohir. He pointed to a long line of people waiting to go through metal detectors and being swarmed over by security guards in ugly blue suits. "You have to go through that to get to the REAL paths of the deadheads."  
  
"Well, at least we didn't bring much luggage." said Gimli.  
  
"Speak for your self!" said Legolas. He pulled three steamer trunks, a duffle bag, and two briefcases out of his pocket.  
  
"Elves!" muttered Gimli.  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
"And where are you going today?" asked a security guard.  
  
"New Zealand," said Elladan.  
  
"Business or pleasure?"  
  
"Whichever looks more aesthetically pleasing on your stupid form," said Elrohir.  
  
Three more security guards came running up. Two began wanding Merry and the other started interrogating Aragorn.  
  
"Where do you live? Where does your girlfriend live? What's your favorite food? Boxers or briefs? How many pounds of brussel sprouts do you consume in one day? Have you ever had sex with a sheep? What's the average wingspan of a German Ostrich? How many hamburgers can you fit inside a small submarine?"  
  
"Give it a rest Phil!" said the first security guard. Phil stalked off muttering about his Union membership.  
  
"Aha!" said one of the security guards searching Merry. "This is an ILLEGAL MUSHROOM! Sound the alarm!" he began blowing loudly on a kazoo.  
  
The Fellowship was instantly buried under a cascade of security guards bound and determined to discover more contraband fungi.  
  
"Oh, #$&!" muttered Elladan. "We'll be here all night at this rate!"  
  
Then Elrohir had an idea. "Look!" he yelled. "There's Harry Potter! I think he's giving out signed photos!"  
  
Instant chaos. Everyone in earshot began running around looking for Harry Potter and bumping into each other. The security guards ran off to try to restore order, and our heroes decided to make a run for it.  
  
"This way!" shouted Elladan. He took off towards a set of large, black, double doors beyond the swarm of security guards and civilians. The Fellowship and the rangers followed, bowling innocent bystanders over right and left and smashing through the metal detectors, setting all of them off and adding to the general pandemonium.  
  
"Once we get through those doors," yelled Elrohir, trying to make himself heard over the rising decibel level "we can't make any noise at all until we come out the other side. If we do, it'll bring the deadheads down on us, and believe me, you DON'T want that to happen!" That said, they all crashed through the doors into the silent, dark, tunnel beyond...  
  
BUM BUM BUUUUUUM!!!!  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
Even though it would be totally impossible in real life for thirty rangers, four hobbits, three elves, a wizard, a dwarf, the king of Gondor, and a ghost to walk around in total darkness without making ANY noise at all, this is not actually real life, so they DID manage it for a while, until...  
  
"OUCH! MERRY, YOU STEPPED ON MY FOOT!!" shouted Pippin.  
  
"FOOL OF AN ASSHOLE TOOK!" shouted everyone else, right before they were all dive bombed by bats.  
  
"Ahhhhh! They're getting in my HAIR!" shrieked Legolas. "And I left my new shampoo in customs! Nooooooooooooooooo!"  
  
"GRRR!" said Gandalf. "I can't see a bloody thing!" He did his radioactive staff trick. "That's better."  
  
It was not, in fact, better. The light scared the bats off, but it plus all the shouting and running around had managed to wake up something much more unpleasant.  
  
Suddenly a weird purple glow bloomed from the walls and the Fellowship realized what they were standing in the middle of. It was a concert, except that half the band was dead (like, actually dead, as in no longer alive) and the fans were a bunch of decaying zombies not dissimilar to the ones in POTC.  
  
Then they heard the music.  
  
"COME HEAR UNCLE JOHNS BAND, BY THE RIVER SIDE!" [Loud annoying drum solo that lasts forever, zombie fans go totally nuts]  
  
"NOOOO!" wailed Elladan. "We're totally doomed! Thanks a LOT Pippin!"  
  
The rangers started singing along "GOT SOME THINGS TO TALK ABOUT HERE BESIDE THE...", and Legolas, Frodo, and Gandalf passed out.  
  
"Aragorn!" yelled Elrohir. "Have you still got your Britney Spears CD? It's our only hope!"  
  
Aragorn stuck his copy of 'Oops, I did it again" into a boom box he had some how found.  
  
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOPS IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII DIIIIIIID IIIIIIIIIIT AGAAAAAAAAIN!!" (static, loud unidentifiable bang, more static) came blasting out of the speakers and caused instant temporary deafness to everyone within ten miles. Now that the Fellowship could no longer hear the Grateful Dead, they were able to make a run for it.  
  
Behind them, "YOU THINK I'M A FOOOOOOOOOOOOOL, IN (static) SOOOOO MANY WAAAAAAAAAAYS (boom box catches on fire) warred with "HE'S COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME (bang) TO TAAAAAAAKE (guitar solo) HIS CHILDREEEEEEEEEEEN (exploding keyboard) HOOOOOOOOOOOOME!" as everything in the near vicinity started to spontaneously combust.  
  
"And this, kids," said Gandalf conversationally, "is why you should never mix scary old guy music with teenage pop queens!"  
  
"Shut up and run!" shouted everyone else.  
  
**************************************************************************** **************************  
  
A/n: CLIFFHANGER! This chapter wasn't too weird was it? I've been on a sugar high since six in the morning so some serious strangeness has been getting into my writing...  
  
To my way totally cool reviewers:  
  
tuxiedog2: Yes, I've been on some really bad road trips, but let's not get into that...  
  
mousie2: You're friend knows Miranda Otto? Totally not fair! I'll still get Aragorn first...somehow *sniff* I now have fifteen pictures of him in my bedroom! How many do YOU have? (Rock on...) Yeah.  
  
pherhyandoiel: Of course you can be a Gimli fangirl!  
  
happy molecule: Okay, I'll try e-bay. Maybe I should just feed the rangers to gigantic platypuses though...much cheaper.  
  
BURN THE R.U.M.: Aragorn! *drools* Yah! I'm WAAAAY strange!  
  
electrocuted-elf: I bashed the Dead, FINALLY. Victimizing Legolas is so fun. Don't know why.  
  
Midnight-Insomniac1532: Glad you like it! *grins and leaves to stalk Viggo*  
  
DaredevilX: Thanks! Party on dude!  
  
OfficialMissPerfect2004: I'm the most hilarious person you've ever met? Seriously? Wow! Having fans is cool!  
  
Ainu Laire: I think I'll just over through the government so we can stop arguing about this. ^_^ Glad the Ultra-duct tape stuff worked.  
  
CheerCheerBubbleGum: Thanks! Does a week count as soon? Probably not.  
  
Mornie Utule: Earmuffs=Very important! Remember that now! *somewhere in an alternate dimension Britney and the Dead are still at war*  
  
lemluvspirates: Yah, purple polka dots sound way fun! I don't know if you'll actually ever GET Sam. I could have you kidnap him, but then electrocuted-elf would accuse me of copying her. And she might pull out large chunks of my hair. She does that when she's mad. Like the other day when I called Pippin Ronald Reagan...okay, I'm babbling.  
  
Saralitazie: BOING! *explodes* I WISH I could flush the Presidents teleprompter...Anyway, much thanks. 


	11. A fireball and a gigantic pit of slime

Disclaimer: Hi! I'm a disclaimer!  
  
A/n: We know.  
  
Disclaimer: SHUT UP!!!!!  
  
A/n: You!  
  
Disclaimer: You!  
  
A/n: You!  
  
Galadriel-in-disguise: BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE HELL UP! You're wasting valuable space! People want to read the story! Not YOU!  
  
A/N: But I have to explain the dots!!  
  
Galadriel-in-disguise: Huh?  
  
A/n: In this chapter, when a character's sentences are punctuated by little dots (...) it is simply to simulate what people sound like when they're running really, really hard.  
  
Disclaimer: And the author doesn't own LOTR!!!  
  
Galadriel-in-disguise: GAHHHHHH! *chases disclaimer with large ax*  
  
Chapter 11:  
  
The Fellowship, Elladan & Elrohir, Halbarad, the Rangers, and Darth Vader were all running down a tunnel pursed by a large fiery tornado created by playing a Grateful Dead song and the Britney Spears atrocity "Oops I Did it Again" at the same time. Why Darth Vader was there, no one was entirely sure. At that particular moment, however, they had other things to worry about.  
  
"We're all...going to...DIE!!!!" wailed Pippin.  
  
"No...we're not...fool...of a...Took!" panted Gandalf.  
  
"Will you please...stop...saying...that!?!" gasped Frodo in annoyance. "It was maybe...original...the first...time...but now...it's just...clichéd!"  
  
"WHEN YOU WAAALK, THROUGH THE STOOORM, HOLD YOUR HEEEEAD UP HIGH!" sang the rangers. "AND DOOON'T BE AFRAAAID, OF THE DAAARK!" Somehow they still had enough breath left to torture everyone's already abused eardrums.  
  
"Not...that song!" pleaded Gimli. "Please...anything...but that!"  
  
The rangers ignored him. "AT THE EEEND OF THE STORM, IS A GOOOLDEN SKY, AND THE SWEEEET SILVER SOOOONG, OF THE LAAARK!"  
  
"If we're going...to be consumed...by a giant...fireball," asked Aragorn, "can we at least...do it...in silence?"  
  
"WALK ON, THROUGH THE WINNND! WALK ON, THROUGH THE RAAAIN!"  
  
"I'd take that...as a no," said Legolas.  
  
"No one...is going...to be consumed...by a fireball!" panted Elrohir.  
  
There was a loud BANG as Darth Vader was vaporized.  
  
"Well...not US!" amended Elladan hastily.  
  
"Not...if we can...reach the...sewer...in time," said Elrohir.  
  
"Did you...say...SEWER?!?!" asked Legolas.  
  
"THOUGH YOUR DREAMS BE TOSSED AND BLOOOWN!"  
  
"SHUT...THE *&#$...UP!!" wheezed Gimli. "Bloody...rangers!!"  
  
"Yes...I said...sewer!!" gasped Elrohir.  
  
"I'm not...going...into any...*&$%#$& sewer!!" said Legolas.  
  
"You will...If you...don't want...to become...elf kebob!" said Elladan.  
  
"But my...HAIR--"  
  
"YOU CAN BUY...SOME MORE...DAMN...SHAMPOO...IN WELLINGTON!!" bellowed Aragorn.  
  
"AND YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALOOOOOONE! YOU'LL NEEEEEEEEEEEEEVERRRRRRRRRR WAAAAAAAALK ALLLLLLLLOOOONE!!!!"  
  
"Not...much...farther!!" said Halbarad urgently. "Come on...we can make it!"  
  
The Fellowship groaned and put on an extra burst of speed. They could see the end of the tunnel now, a precipice jutting out into empty space.  
  
"Get ready to jump!" said Elrohir. "And try not to get your earmuffs wet!"  
  
"TO ME, MEN OF BRITAIN!!" shouted the rangers, before calmly putting their earmuffs in zip lock plastic bags and hurling themselves over the edge.  
  
"SOUTH DAKOTA!" yelled Elladan and Elrohir, and jumped.  
  
"CHEESE!!!!!!!!" cried Halbarad, doing a swan dive.  
  
"BANZAI!!!" hollered Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli, and the hobbits, charging off the edge.  
  
And so it worked out that Legolas was left standing alone on the edge of a cliff, teetering above who knows what, seconds away from a giant fireball. Knowing Leggy, he probably would have kept on standing until the firestorm caught up with him and turned him into instant BBQ, but fortunately, (or unfortunately) the cliff collapsed before that could happen, and hurled him into the murky depths of the Wellington sewer system after his friends.  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Legolas, and everyone else, as they hurtled down into the abyss.  
  
"I can't die now!" wailed Gandalf. "I haven't paid my taxes yet!"  
  
"Dude! Why do you want to pay your taxes?" asked Boromir, who wasn't falling, more like drifting at high speed. "Taxes suck! You should take every opportunity to deprive the government of dough, so when they're all bankrupt and &*#$, you can like, complain and overthrow them. That's what the Americans did."  
  
"HEY!!" shouted Aragorn. "Do you realize I'M the person people pay taxes too?? I am totally insulted that you compared me to those evil capitalist dogs that run the U.S.!! I mean, I'm sooooo much sexier than George Bush!!"  
  
"It's not like it's HARD to be sexier than Bush," muttered Elladan.  
  
"Oh no," said Gimli. "Will you guys PLEASE refrain from listing all the reasons Bush is an evil ass and shouldn't be reelected? It would take way too freaking long..."  
  
Aragorn tried to think up something sufficiently scathing and political to say, but was thwarted when they all crash landed in a pit of smelly greenish gray slime.  
  
"EEEEW!!!" shrieked Legolas and Halbarad.  
  
"GREAT GREEN GLOBS OF GREASY GRIMY GOPHER GUTS!!" sang the rangers.  
  
"FUN!!" squealed Merry and Pippin and began lobbing handfuls of muck at each other and everyone else.  
  
"NOOO!" wailed Gimli, as one of the damp missiles hit him in the face. "I'll have to condition my beard!!"  
  
"THIS SUCKS!!!!!" yelled Gandalf. "I'VE GOT SLIME ALL OVER MY SPARKLY WHITE ROBES!! I'LL HAVE TO BLEACH THEM AGAIN!!!"  
  
"HELP!! HEEEELP!" shouted Frodo. "Sam can't swim! He's sinking!!"  
  
"MRPH SWUMPLE URGH PHERPHL DFLIGHTHK!!" said Aragorn. He had grabbed hold of Sam's ankle, but as a result, he was half submerged upside down in muck with Frodo clinging to his legs. It goes without saying that this is not a good situation to be in.  
  
"Oh my GOD Aragorn," said Elladan. "Why must you always get yourself into situations like this??" He began swimming through the muck towards his foster brother.  
  
"You mean this has happened to him before?" asked Legolas.  
  
"More or less," said Elrohir. "I mean, the first time it was vat of Tapioca instead of a gigantic pit of slime, but still..."  
  
"SFHSD IUPTH ERGUGH BLRURBLD!!!" gurgled Aragorn, thrashing his legs wildly and sending Frodo flying into Gandalf.  
  
"MUTILATED MONKEY MEAT!" sang the rangers. "TANTALIZING BIRDIE'S FEET!!"  
  
"Be quiet!!!' snapped Elladan. "We've got an emergency here!" he tried to grab hold of Aragorn's legs but succeeded in getting kicked in the face.  
  
"Aragorn!!!" shouted Elrohir. "Could you PLEASE cooperate??"  
  
But either Aragorn couldn't hear them, or he had decided that if he had to die, he might as well do it in the most annoying way possible, because he just continued kicking and gurgling.  
  
"Imbeciles!!! Amateur incompetents!!" muttered Gandalf, trying to extricate himself from Frodo's slimly, hysterical clutches. "Let me do this!!!" he thrust Frodo at Gimli and pulled out his staff.  
  
"Oh no, not again!!" muttered Merry and Pippin. "This fic does NOT need any more 'Gandalf takes charge' episodes!!!"  
  
"SILENCE!!!" roared Gandalf. There was a large slimy explosion and Aragorn and Sam shot out of the ooze to hang in the air thirty feet above their heads coughing and spluttering and dripping muck everywhere.  
  
"IT'S ABOUT TIME!!!" yelled Aragorn when he'd got his breath back. "HOW MUCH LONGER WERE YOU PLANNING TO LEAVE ME DOWN THERE, HUH??"  
  
"We TRIED to pull you out!" said Elladan aggrievedly. "You *&#$#*% kicked me in the face!!"  
  
"THAT'S NO EXCUSE!!!" blustered Aragorn, waving his arms.  
  
"Hey! Aragorn, you spaz! Watch where you drip!" shouted Halbarad. "My hair's gross enough already!!"  
  
"That's Aragorn, Captain of the Dunedain, to you!!" said Aragorn. "And FYI dude, RANGERS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT THEIR HAIR!!"  
  
"Oh so THAT'S how it is!?" sobbed Halbarad. "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me!"  
  
"What the hell dude, don't CRY!" said Boromir.  
  
"IT'S MY PARTY, AND I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO, CRY IF I WANT TO, CRY IF I WANT TO..." sang the rangers.  
  
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!" wailed everyone else.  
  
"Hey, Mr. Gandalf, sir!" said Sam. "Would you mind letting me down? I don't know about Mr. Aragorn, but us hobbits have a terrible fear of heights."  
  
"Yah, sure, whatever..." said Gandalf. He waved his staff dismissively and Aragorn and Sam plummeted back into the ooze, showering everyone with sludge for the umpteenth time.  
  
"Okay, enough fooling around!" said Elladan, after the shrieking had subsided. "We've been down here long enough!"  
  
"And how do you propose we get out??" asked Legolas, looking pointedly at the ceiling, nearly a hundred feet above them. "I suppose we could have Gandalf levitate us..."  
  
"ABSOLUTLEY OUT OF THE QUESTION!!" bellowed the wizard.  
  
"Okay, okay dude! No need to get your pan--er, robes in a twist!!"  
  
"Nope! We've got it all taken care of!" said Elrohir. "Remember the plastic explosives in the earmuffs?"  
  
"Yes!!!!" said Aragorn grumpily.  
  
"We're going to blast our way out of here!" said Elladan happily.  
  
"Oh god, count me out!" moaned Aragorn.  
  
"Chicken!" said Elrohir.  
  
"Okay, here's the plan!" said Elladan. "We put all our earmuffs in a big plastic bag, and then Gandalf teleports it up to the ceiling and blows it up!"  
  
"No way!!" said Gandalf. "What do you guys take me for?? Some kind of DELIVERY SERVICE or something?!?!?!"  
  
"Chill OUT dude!!" said Elrohir. "Think about it this way; the sooner we get out of here, the sooner you can bleach your stupid robes!"  
  
"FINE! I'll do it!" muttered Gandalf. "Just give me the *&#$%*# earmuffs!"  
  
"Good!" said Elladan. "Okay, who's got the bag?"  
  
"I think Halbarad does," said Elrohir.  
  
"Nobody...loves me..." bawled Halbarad.  
  
"Come on dude, just stop crying and give us the bag!" said Elladan in exasperation.  
  
Halbarad ignored him.  
  
"Halbarad," said Elrohir desperately, "If you give us the bag and shut up we'll buy you a muffin."  
  
"Muffins??" asked Halbarad, perking up.  
  
"Muffins??" said the rangers. "DO YOU KNOW THE MUFFIN MAN, THE MUFFIN MAN, THE MUFFIN MAN..."  
  
"Aw, SHIT!!!" said Elladan. "WHY did you do that, bro?"  
  
"Never mind!!" said Elrohir, snatching the bag from Halbarad. "JUST PASS YOUR EARMUFFS OVER HERE DUDES!!!!!"  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Fifteen or so pounds of plastic explosives can make quite a detonation and when the smoke cleared, the Fellowship could see that they had made a very large hole in the middle of Wellington.  
  
"That was fun!!!!!" squealed Pippin.  
  
"Yeah! Let's do it again!!" shouted Merry  
  
"NO!" said Gandalf decisively.  
  
"Manky old spoilsport," muttered Pippin.  
  
"Let's go get something to eat!" said Elladan. "I'm totally starved."  
  
"HUNGRY, HUNGRY, I AM HUNGRY..." sang the rangers.  
  
"Whatever!" said Aragorn. "Come on people, we can find Peter Jackson after a stop at the nearest McDonalds."  
  
**************************************************************************** ********************  
  
To my reviewers:  
  
totallyObsessedwithLOTR: Yah, actually I watched POTC twice before writing the last chapter.  
  
Animegirl123: If you want Aragorn, you're going to have to fight me for him! ^_^ It's not that hard to become a LOTR fangirl. Just pick one or more characters to obsess over and annoy your friends by talking about them constantly.  
  
BubbleBubbleGumGum: THANK YOU!!!  
  
electrocuted-elf: Yes, you are hyper! And no, I'm on a mission to make people scared of ME!!! The Boondocks rules!  
  
Tarock: Yes! I'm crazy! I'm totally, utterly, insane, and I've been that way since birth or possibly before!!!  
  
mousie2: Big exams? Ick! Sounds awful! Well, good luck.  
  
BURN THE R.U.M.: Yep! Jack's cool!  
  
happy molecule: I think I'll just have the rangers get arrested. (*foreshadowing*) And the Britney Spears CD is defiantly dead, thank GOD.  
  
BoromirDefender: I was mad about Prince Imrahil too. I think I'm going to put him into one of the up coming chapters.  
  
swtiger86: Thanks! BOING!!!  
  
Saralitazie: Wow! You are HYPERRRRRRRRRRR! Even more hyper than I am at the moment. Must go eat more sugar...  
  
Ainu Laire: Yay! Monkeys! Wait, there's a debate.org?  
  
Evenstar of the Elves: Thanks! 


	12. Martians? I don't think so

Disclaimer: John Kerry is an evil waffler! I can't believe he won five states!  
  
A/n: Whatever. In case any of you don't know, "Stacy's Mom" is this REALLY ANNOYING song that everyone in my school has stuck in their head. And you only have to hear it once before it like, STICKS in your brain and you CAN'T GET IT OUT!!!  
  
Chapter 12:  
  
3:00 PM. About forty large slimy...somethings were walking through down town Wellington causing traffic accidents and mass panic.  
  
"IT'S EVIL ALIENS FROM PLANET X!!!" screamed one old lady, tugging her furiously yapping poodle out of Aragorn's way.  
  
"NO, IT'S A SCIENCE EXPERIMENT ESCAPED FROM THE LAB!" yelled someone else. "NOBODY BREATHE, THEY COULD BE BIOCONTAMINATED!"  
  
"What the hell...?" wondered Legolas.  
  
"HELP!!! NEO NAZI SECRET WEAPONS!!!!!"  
  
"JESUS CHRIST, THEY'RE MUTATED GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS!!"  
  
"Okaaaaaay," said Elladan. "I know we're like, totally caked with slime, but that's going a bit far."  
  
"This stuff is starting to itch," grumbled Aragorn. "I want a bath."  
  
"Oh my God!" said Boromir in mock surprise "Did ARAGORN just say the word BATH?? Is the world about to end or something?"  
  
"Shut up!" snapped Aragorn. "Contrary to popular belief, I am NOT allergic to bathing! I washed my hair THREE TIMES during Lord of the Rings!"  
  
"Oh, THREE TIMES in one year! You are an EPITOME of cleanliness, Aragorn! I bow to your superior personal hygiene!"  
  
"Boromir! Stop mocking Aragorn's unwashed hair!" ordered Gandalf. "It's not like yours was much cleaner!"  
  
"Well yah, but I didn't like FLIP it at the camera..."  
  
Still bickering, they walked into a French restaurant, causing the customers to faint and the waiters to scream and barricade themselves in the kitchen with lots of sharp knives.  
  
Meanwhile, on the street, chaos still rained. People were screaming and running away, running into each other, running in circles, running into traffic, and generally behaving like mutant pigeons with brain fever.  
  
Any one with even a shred of common sense left was hightailing it for home as fast as they could possibly go.  
  
"Come ON Stacey!" yelled a mother to her recalcitrant two year old.  
  
In the restaurant, Halbarad, Elladan and Elrohir suddenly stopped stuffing themselves with food they had pilfered from unconscious customers.  
  
"Oh, no! No! Please no!" gasped Elladan, turning the color of old oat meal.  
  
"Not again!" whimpered Elrohir.  
  
"What?" said Aragorn in confusion?  
  
"That lady just said...the S word!" whispered Halbarad, pointing with a shaking finger. "Now we're all...DONE FOR!!!"  
  
Aragorn began to ask just what the hell they were talking about, but was interrupted by, guess who, the rangers.  
  
"STACEY'S MOM, HAS GOT IT GOING ON!" they bellowed. "SHE'S ALL I WANT, AND I'VE WAITED FOR SO LONG!"  
  
"NOOOO!!! BAD!!!!! BAD IMAGES!!!!" wailed The Fellowship, the Twins, and Halbarad.  
  
"STACEY CAN'T YOU SEE, YOU'RE JUST NOT THE GIRL FOR ME!"  
  
"WE'RE F*&#^ING OUT OF HERE!!!!" yelled FTH, bolting out the door with the rangers in hot pursuit.  
  
"I KNOW IT MAY BE WRONG, BUT I'M IN LOVE WITH STACEY'S MOM!!!"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed FTH, trampling seizuring pedestrians as they pelted down the street.  
  
"STACEY, DO YOU REMEMBER, WHEN I MOWED YOUR LAWN..."  
  
FTH split up and dived for cover as a panicking business man flung himself into a phone booth and called the police.  
  
"Uhh, Hello?" said random Wellington police officer #23. "Hello! Police?" gasped the businessman, whose name was Robert, "I'd like to report an alien invasion!!"  
  
"Oh GOD, not another one on my shift!" muttered RWPO#23. "Sir, may I remind you the violent hallucinogens are considered illegal substances??"  
  
"I'm not on drugs!" wailed Robert. "I swear to God, there's ten Martians being chased down the street by thirty other Martians singing something about some ones mother!"  
  
"YOUR MOM CAME OUT WITH JUST A TOWEL ON!!"  
  
"What the holy #$&%?" said the RWPO.  
  
"See?" said Robert, holding onto the receiver for dear life as rampaging rangers slammed against the phone booth.  
  
"I COULD TELL SHE LIKED ME BY THE WAY SHE STARED..."  
  
RWOP#23 sighed. He didn't need this kind of thing on a Monday. "Nice, try Mister, now turn off the boom box. Do I even have to tell you that you can be prosecuted for prank-calling the police station?"  
  
Robert was about to say something indignant and clichéd, but Boromir walked through the side of the phone booth and interrupted him.  
  
"Greetings dude! Do you mind if I take shelter in this phone booth until the mob of American pop music crazed rangers has passed?"  
  
"And there's a GHOST in here with me!" shouted Robert into the phone. "He's all medieval and DEAD and he's dripping ectoplasm everywhere!!"  
  
"AND I KNOW YOU THINK IT'S JUST A FANTASY..."  
  
RWOP#23 groaned and hung up.  
  
"Hey, that's discrimination against ghosts, dude!!!" said Boromir accusingly. "That's not cool! Dead people have feelings too, you know!"  
  
Robert gulped and muttered something about his stock broker, or possibly the WWF. He had had a very bad day so far and didn't feel like standing around in a phone booth listening to an irate ghost rant about the rights of metaphysical manifestations.  
  
"BUT SINCE YOUR DAD WALKED OUT, YOUR MOM COULD USE A GUY LIKE MEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
"SHUT THE *&$% UP, YOU FAIRIES!!" yelled Legolas from where he was sheltering under a park bench. "THAT IS THE WORST SONG IN THE ENTIRE *&#$%&^ UNIVERSE!! HAVEN'T YOU GUYS BEEN ANNOYING ENOUGH??"  
  
The rangers apparently didn't think so, because they kept singing. "STACEY'S MOM, HAS GOT IT GOING ON!! STACEY'S MOM, HAS GOT IT GOING ON!!" They began doing the Macarena and chasing Gimli around, trying to pull his beard.  
  
Sam surreptitiously stuck his head out of the trash can he was hiding in. "Psst, Leggy," he hissed.  
  
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!!!"  
  
"Whatever!" said Sam. "Dude, do you realize that calling the rangers 'fairies' could be construed as an anti-gay remark?" And I thought you were all leftist and stuff!"  
  
"How is that anti-gay?" demanded Legolas.  
  
Sam rolled his eyes. "DUH! It implies that gay people sing "Stacey's Mom."  
  
Legolas jerked and banged his head against the bottom of the bench. "OUCH! Oh my god, I'M SORRY! I did NOT mean to imply that gay people like the song "Stacey's Mom"! I don't endorse the fundies, I swear! Forgive me! PLEASE DON'T SUE!!!"  
  
"Don't persecute the fundies!!!" said Sam. "Remember, the first amendment of the U.S. constitution includes freedom of religion!"  
  
"Oh my god, Sam," said Frodo from behind Robert's orange SUV. "Did you like memorize the Bill of Rights or something?"  
  
"No, but the author did."  
  
Frodo rolled his eyes and muttered something about psycho political extremists.  
  
Inside the phone booth, Boromir was still yelling at Robert. "No one EVER considers how the ghosts feel about stuff! We've tried talking to people, but whenever they see us, they go all schizo and start screaming and having heart attacks and other *#$& like that. And ghosts STILL aren't allowed to vote, OR get driver's licenses..."  
  
Robert shifted from foot to foot and looked around nervously. He had an appointment with his boss in fifteen minutes, and if he missed it he would very probably be fired, or even worse, demoted to marketing.  
  
"And Ghost Busters!" continued Boromir. "That movie should be BANNED! It was full of LIES and the most OUTRAGEOUS stereotyping I have ever seen..."  
  
Rather than be forced to listen to a blow by blow description of what Boromir was going to do the director of Ghost Busters if he, a) managed to catch him, and b) had hands, Robert decided to make a break for it. He dodged around Boromir and flung himself at the door. He somehow managed to get out without getting stuck on anything, and he might even have gotten to his appointment on time if he hadn't been promptly trampled by rangers (STACEY, CAN I COME OVER AFTER SCHOOL...) and then pounced on by Merry and Pippin, who bit him and stole his briefcase because they thought it was a lunch box. Robert screamed, and then ran off to inform the police that he had just been mugged by mutant midgets.  
  
"We're DOOMED!" groaned Aragorn from under a shrub.  
  
Gimli and Halbarad had crammed themselves into an out of order fountain, except it wasn't big enough and bits of them were sticking out.  
  
"I never thought I'd die next to a cross dressing ranger!" muttered Gimli.  
  
"I do NOT cross dress, you stupid dwarf!" shouted Halbarad. "And get your foot away from my head before I poke you with the fake nails I stole from Saruman!"  
  
"IS YOUR MOM BACK, FROM HER BUSINESS TRIP? IS SHE THERE, OR IS SHE TRYING TO GIVE ME THE SLIP?"  
  
Gandalf jumped out of the tree he had been hiding in and brandished his staff. "This has gone QUITE far enough!"  
  
Merry and Pippin looked up from where they were busy bashing Robert's briefcase with a large rock. "NO MORE GANDALF TAKES CHARGE!!!!!!!!" they grabbed Gandalf's staff and began hitting random rangers with it to try and make them shut up. To bad it didn't work...  
  
"I'M NOT THE (OW!!!) LITTLE BOY (OUCH!) THAT I USED TO BE! (*&#$!!!) I'M ALL GROWN UP, (OWIE!) NOW BABY CAN'T YOU SEE! (OUCHHHHH!!!)  
  
"Come back here, you blasted hobbits!" bellowed Gandalf. "That staff is DANGEROUS! Oh, confusticate you!!"  
  
"HOBBIT POWER!!!!!" squealed Merry Pippin, chasing the rangers in circles.  
  
Suddenly, there was a blinding flash of light and a sonic boom that blew out all the windows in down town Wellington. FTH and the rangers were sucked through a portal in space/time and deposited...  
  
On the lawn outside of Peter Jackson's office.  
  
**************************************************************************** *************  
  
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Another cliff hanger! I'm so sorry it took me over two weeks to post anything. I have this bad, annoying, evil, LONG research project I just got assigned that's worth like my entire Third Quarter English grade and will take all of the next two months to finish. I don't think I'll be able to post very often until April. *sigh*  
  
TO MY WONDERFUL, HYPER REVIEWERS:  
  
electrocuted elf: I am going to write a review that takes up and entire freaking PAGE! So there! THE CELTS SACKED ROME FIVE TIMES! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
budgiezilla442: Frodo is aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall yours! I love Aragorn! *drool* You probably know that by now...  
  
BURN THE R.U.M.: Laughing is good!  
  
Animegirl123: If you want to be a fangirl, you're going to have to wait a couple of chapters. I will put you in though. Just remember, Arry belongs to MEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
Saralitazie: The rangers love you too! ^_^ I'm glad my fics cause you extreme hilarity and hyperness. HYPER IS GOOD!  
  
totallyObsessedwithLOTR: And the rangers are STILL obsessed with singing...  
  
pherhyandoiel: You get to attack Gimli in like, two more chapters.  
  
Inuyasha is a Doggy demon: Is this the fourth time you've changed your penname in the last three months? No offense, but it's getting REALLY confusing.  
  
CheerCheerBubbleGum: You appear after plan B, that is, in about three chapters. Should I put Cheer Cheer in too, or just you?  
  
Mornie Utule: SLIME! ODD LOOKS! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Ainu Laire: I don't particularly like the Democrats, so I could start mocking them too. FOUR GOLDEN GLOBES! YAY! And I think ROTK got more Oscar nominations than POTC. I'll have to check that...  
  
mousie2: Slime! HAHAHAHAHA! I'll be sure to check out your stories sometime soon.  
  
Dark SnoGoon: Glad you like it.  
  
lemluvspirates: People coming out of paintings...hmmm...McDonalds...hmmm...I'll see.  
  
BOING TO ALL OF YOU!  
  
NOW REVIEW BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TO!  
  
You are iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin my poooooooooooooooower...  
  
NOW PRESS THAT PURPLE BUTTON!!!!!!!!!  
  
You know you want to!  
  
And remember: THE CELTS WERE COOL! VERY, VERY, COOL! 


	13. Some random stuff gets blown up

Disclaimer: I'm bored. If I owned LOTR I don't think I would be bored. I'll let that speak fro it's self. A/n: Hello from Connecticut, where the temperature is BELOW FREEZING in the shade. HaHAAAAH! Okay, this is the chapter where all the characters who got left out of the movies camp out on P.J.s lawn. And then there's some stuff involving my friends and a pink helicopter. YOU'LL see.  
  
Chapter 13:   
  
The Fellowship, the Twins, the Rangers, and Halbarad gaped at Peter Jackson's office building in total shock.   
  
"Are we even in the right dimension?" asked Gandalf.   
  
"Uhhhh..." said Elladan.   
  
Elrohir stared fixedly at the lawn in front of him, where a bunch of hobbits in war paint and Barney suits were burning P.J. in effigy and shouting corporate slogans as they danced around the bonfire. And that was only ONE of the many, many things that did not belong on Peter Jackson's lawn under any circumstances.   
  
Aragorn gulped. "What...happened here?" he asked weakly.   
  
"Uhhhh..." said Elladan again.   
  
What had happened was that all the characters who had gotten left out of the movie versions of FOTR, TT, or ROTK, had congregated on the lawn outside of Peter Jackson's office and gone totally psycho. I mean totally, TOTALLY insane. It wasn't a pretty sight.   
  
Beregond and Bergil were launching Molotov Cocktails through the fifth floor windows with a stolen catapult, the Mouth of Sauron and some random Orcs were attempting to batter down the door with the Armadillo of Fire, Prince Imrahil was rushing around with a large clip board annoying people, Quickbeam the ent was bashing Peter Jackson's Limo with a large boulder, Círdan was pouring gasoline on some pink orchids and muttering about how the hobbits had jacked his matches, Bill Ferny was demolishing random things with a bulldozer and chugging Budweiser, Glorfindel was spray painting a large X onto the side of the building and directing Erkenbrand, who was positioning a laser cannon, Goldberry was circulating a petition and yelling loudly at passing pedestrians, Tom Bombadil was directing a choir of what appeared to be rabid lemmings, Saruman and Wormtongue were digging a large hole for no apparent reason, Gildor and his elves had formed a picket line and were whacking harried security guards with their "DIE, P.J. DIE!" signs, and Eowyn and Faramir were making out under a conveniently placed park bench.   
  
Nobody could see what Ioreth was doing, because foul smelling green smoke from the potion she was brewing had obscured the entire south eastern corner of the lawn, but it probably had something to do with a Peter Jackson voodoo doll, and lots of sharp pins.   
  
Prince Imrahil spotted Elladan & Elrohir and rushed over. "You were supposed to be here FOUR HOURS AGO!" he bellowed, brandishing his clipboard. "What TOOK you so long?!?!"   
  
"Uhhhh..." said Elladan.   
  
Legolas kicked him. "We're four hours late because we got chased by zombies and had to jump into a sewer to avoid getting incinerated by a giant fireball caused by "Uncle John's Band" and "Oops I Did it Again" being played in the same underground cavern."   
  
"Okaaaaaay..." said Imrahil.   
  
Elrohir shook his head. "Don't even ask, dude. Um, two questions...What's with the lemmings, and why are Eowyn and Faramir here?"   
  
"Lemmings?" said Imrahil in confusion.   
  
Elrohir pointed.   
  
"Oh, them," said Imrahil. "Those aren't lemmings, they're Barrow Wights."   
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!" squealed all the hobbits.   
  
"Stupid pansies," muttered Gimli.   
  
"And," continued Imrahil, "Eowyn and Faramir are mad because they didn't get to do they're stupid mushy kissing scene on the walls of Minis Tirith, so they're protesting by making out on P.J.'s lawn."   
  
"Uhhhhh..." said Elladan.   
  
"Oh SHUT UP!" yelled Elrohir. "Do you need a lobotomy or something?"   
  
"Uhhhhh...."   
  
"That's it! Aragorn, can I borrow Anduril for a moment?"   
  
"NO!" said Aragorn. "I don't want people using my cell phone to report a fratricide, which will INVARIABLY happen if you start whacking holes in Elladan's head! Plus, Arwen would kill me."   
  
"Fine, be that way!" muttered Elrohir. "Gimli, where's your ax?"   
  
"It got vaporized, dude."   
  
"Oh yeah. Then...Legolas! I need one of your arrows!"   
  
Legolas rolled his eyes. "Dude, if you want to take out pieces of Elladan's brain, use your own freaking weapons!"   
  
"Uhhhh..." said Elladan. He began to drool slightly.   
  
Elrohir growled bit his monogrammed handkerchief in half in frustration. "My sword is totally rusted from all the slime! I can't perform surgery with it! It wouldn't be freaking sanitary!...Gandalf! Can I use Glamdring?"   
  
"Get stuffed, Elrohir," suggested Gandalf cheerfully. "Elladan doesn't need brain surgery; he needs a good whack on the head!"   
  
Gandalf whacked Elladan on the head with his staff. There was a flash of lavender light and a sound like a kazoo being blown from under sixteen tons of walrus blubber...then--   
  
"OH MY GOD!" shrieked Elrohir. "YOU STUPID WIZARD! YOU'VE TURNED MY BROTHER INTO A CHICKEN!!"   
  
"Well, at least he's not drooling any more," said Merry. He and Pippin began feeding Elladan the chicken some of the Budweiser they had stolen from Bill Ferny.   
  
"I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU COURT MARSHALLED!" screamed Elrohir, pointing an accusing finger at Gandalf. "I'LL SET MY DAD'S LAWYERS ON YOU! I'LL... I'LL SUE YOU'RE SPARKLY WHITE PANTS OFF, SO HELP ME GOD!!!"   
  
"Whoa, Elrohir! Calm the hell down, dude!" shouted Aragorn. "I don't think it's fair to yell at Gandalf when not thirty seconds ago, you yourself wanted to cut Elladan's head open!"   
  
"Ahem," said Imrahil.   
  
"And it's not like Gandalf did any real damage," continued Aragorn desperately, as he and Halbarad attempted to restrain Elrohir. "I mean, I don't notice any big changes in Elladan's behavior or anything!"   
  
Elladan the chicken squawked drunkenly and keeled over.   
  
"See??" demanded Aragorn.   
  
"AHEM!" bellowed Imrahil. "I really don't care about Elladan's brain, or lack of one, but I would like to know WHAT ALL THE FREAKING LEADS ARE DOING HERE! This was supposed to be for ignored characters ONLY!"   
  
"We ran into Elladan and Elrohir in California," said Legolas "And we were totally bored so we decided to go with them."   
  
Imrahil snorted and muttered something about the attention span of major characters.   
  
"Look, dude," said Aragorn in annoyance. "If it bothers you so much, why aren't you yelling at Eowyn and Faramir?"   
  
"Because they're just SECONDARY characters!" said Imrahil.   
  
Suddenly, random rabid feminist # 5,823,674 appeared five inches from Imrahil's nose.   
  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, EOWYN IS A SECONDARY CHARACTER, YOU STUPID LOSER? SHE'S LIKE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE ENTIRE FREAKING TRILOGY!" she slapped him and vanished back to whatever dimension she had come from in the first place.   
  
"Meep," said Imrahil.   
  
"Everyone in this entire fanfic is freaking crazy!" muttered Frodo.   
  
"Including you," said Pippin.   
  
Suddenly there was a loud BANG and everyone looked and saw that Beregond's latest Molotov Cocktail had just collided with Bill Ferny's bulldozer, with the result that a) the bulldozer had its back tires blown off, b) a large smoking crater appeared in the middle of Peter Jackson's perfectly mowed lawn, and c) Bill Ferny was blown fifty feet into the air and landed in an ornamental hedge with lots of thorns.   
  
"KARMA!" shouted Sam. "That's what happens to people who MISTREAT HELPLESS PONIES!!!!!!"   
  
"Oh yeah?" yelled Bill. "Well THIS is what happens to assholes who throw apples at people's HEADS!" he chucked his beer can at Sam, but it hit Erkenbrand instead, causing him to misfire the laser canon and ignite Ioreth's potion.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed everyone, as the potion exploded in all directions, spattering the entire lawn with greenish brown sludge.  
  
"YOU IDIOTS!" shouted Ioreth. "CAN'T YOU READ?" she jabbed her finger at a sign standing next to her, which said:  
  
DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES  
EXPOSE THIS POTION TO AN OPEN  
FLAME! DOING SO WILL CREATE A  
  
LARGE EXPLOSION AND TURN THE  
PERSON AT FAULT INTO A MEMBER OF  
THE KU KLUX KLAN! IT WILL ALSO PISS  
  
ME OFF CONSIDERABLY, WHICH I DO  
  
NOT RECOMMEND!  
  
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Ioreth kicked the cauldron over and did a little dance of rage. "WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS? I'LL FORCE FEED THEM SPINACH! I'LL PULL THEIR NOSES OFF WITH TWEEZERS! COME ON, OWN UP!"  
  
Everyone gulped and pointed at Bill Ferny, who was now inexplicably wearing a Klan outfit and attempting to set fire to a cross with some gasoline stolen from Círdan. Ioreth marched over to him, brandishing her P.J. voodoo doll.  
  
"Now look here young man!" she screeched. (Bill Ferny jumped and set fire to his hair) "It is very, very, very, rude, not to mention STUPID, to throw beer cans at people with laser canons! You could have seriously injured YOURSELF or someone ELSE with such irresponsible behavior! I have half a mind to march over to your mother's house right this instant and give her a piece of my mind!"  
  
Bill Ferny blinked at her. He still hadn't noticed that his hair was smoldering. "Um, my mom like, lives in another dimension?" he blinked again. "BURN THE HOMOS!"  
  
"Are you SASSING me??" shrieked Ioreth. "Go wash your mouth out with soap and water, boy!"  
  
Bill Ferny mumbled something about having an NRA meeting he had to go to and tried to make a dash for his car. Ioreth intercepted him with a football style tackle and began vigorously washing his mouth out with three different kinds of anti-bacterial soap, all of which smelled strongly of lilacs.  
  
Suddenly Elladan the chicken squawked loudly and pointed at the sky. A large, unidentified, and very PINK object was hurtling towards the earth at an astonishing speed.  
  
"It's a bird!" shouted someone.  
  
"No, It's a plane!"  
  
"Your both wrong, It's an ALIEN INVASION! HIDE!"  
  
"Didn't we just have one of those in the last chapter?" wondered Pippin. Legolas kicked him.  
  
With a loud grinding noise the side of the pink spaceship thingy opened and a gigantic set of loud-speakers was switched on.  
  
"YOU FOOLS!" yelled a voice from the loud-speaker. "THIS IS NOT A BIRD, OR A PLANE OR A UFO! IT'S PINK HELICOPTER THAT WE JACKED FROM THOSE BIMBOS DOWN AT FANGIRL INC.! WE HEARD THERE WAS A MEMBER OF THE KLAN HIDING SOMEWHERE ON PETER JACKSON'S LAWN AND WE'VE COME TO TAR AND FEATHER 'EM!!!!"  
  
"Oh my god!" gasped Bill Ferny. "It's the LIBERALS!"  
  
"THAT'S RIGHT! THE SOCIALISTS ARE COMING FOR YOU, BILL FERNY! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
"WHOA! CALM DOWN, GALADRIEL IN DISGUISE!"  
  
"DANG, WE'RE GOING FAST!"  
  
"YAH, I THINK WE BROKE THE SOUND BARRIER ABOUT THIRTY SECONDS AGO."  
  
"MAYBE WE SHOULD SLOW DOWN..."  
  
"WE CAN'T, THE GAS TANK JUST FELL OFF."  
  
"MAYBE IF WE...OH BUGGER!"  
  
"OH MY GOD, ELECTROCUTED ELF! YOU JUST BROKE THE STEERING THING OFF!"  
  
"IT WASN'T MY FAULT! KIKI CHAN CRASHED INTO MY ELBOW!"  
  
"THAT'S A LIE, YOU PERVY HOBBIT FANCIER!"  
  
"IT IS NOT! STOP REFUSING TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBLILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS!"  
  
"NOW YOU SOUND LIKE THE SCHOOL COUNSELOR!"  
  
"YOU DO REALIZE THE INTERCOM IS STILL ON DON'T YOU?"  
  
"KIKI CHAN! ELECTROCUTED ELF! SHUT UP!!! THIRTY SECONDS AWAY FROM A FIREY CRASH IS NO TIME FOR A CAT FIGHT!"  
  
Galadriel in disguise seized the pink plastic microphone. "ATTENTION ALL PERSONS CURRENTLY INHABITING PETER JACKSON'S LAWN! THIS HELICOPTER IS GOING DOWN! I SUGGEST YOU ALL GET OUT OF THE WAY! THAT MEANS YOU, GIMLI!!!  
  
Everyone on the ground screamed and simultaneously tried to dive for cover under Beregond's catapult.  
  
The loud-speaker crackled again. "IF WE'RE GOING TO CRASH, CAN WE AT LEAST TRY TO LAND ON LEGOLAS?"  
  
"BE QUIET USAGI, YOU'RE NOT HELPING...KIKI CHAN! PUT DOWN THAT MATHBOOK!"  
  
"BUT SHE--"  
  
"TWENTY SECONDS TO IMPACT!"  
  
"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"WELL, AT LEAST I WON'T HAVE TO TAKE MY HISTORY TEST."  
  
"I WONDER WHAT THIS BUTTON DOES...?"  
  
"MAKIYO! IT COULD BE THE SELF DISTRUCT! DON'T PRESS--"  
  
With a loud CRACK, a large parachute with I LOVE LEGOLAS emblazoned on it ballooned out of the back of the helicopter and halted it's headlong descent.  
  
"OH MY GOD, MAKIYO...YOU JUST SAVED OUR LIVES!"  
  
"WE STILL HAVE NO GAS TANK."  
  
"YOUR SUCH A PESSIMIST, GALADRIEL IN DISGUISE. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TURN OFF THE INTERCOM?!?!?"  
  
"CAN'T. THE LEVER THINGY'S JAMMED."  
  
"WUSS. HERE, LET ME DO IT--" There was an audible CLICK, then silence as the pink helicopter settled gently onto the roof of Peter Jackson's office.  
  
The various LOTR characters stopped biting and kicking each other for a place under the catapult and stared up in a kind dazed shock.  
  
"I think those rabid political leftist teenager people are stalking us," said Aragorn after a while.  
  
"I think you're right dude," said Legolas. He brightened up. "Hey, do you think we could like, file a restraining order or something?"  
  
"Not today," said Aragorn. "The Wellington Police Department is probably to busy fielding calls about the so called 'Martian Invasion.'"  
  
"Are you implying that you KNOW those people?" asked Imrahil.  
  
"Since when do you have to know someone to get stalked?"  
  
"Point taken."  
  
**************************************************************************** ****************  
  
A/N: Yeah, another cliff hanger, (sorta) but this chapters like eight pages long and I haven't posted for more than a week. Don't hurt me.  
  
To my reviewers:  
  
Inuyesha: You just changed it again. That's three times. *sigh* Oh well, it's your pen name.  
  
Pherhyandoiel: Yes, you get to attack Gimli and take him prisoner. However, you don't get to keep him.  
  
Jackie-O*budgiezilla: Press the button again, I dare you!  
  
Mousie02: PJ is in the next chapter, but I'll try to make it worth the wait.  
  
Lemluvspirates: Giant attacking bobby pins? I like it!  
  
NiennaElanor: Yep, that song should be censored.  
  
BURN THE R.U.M.: It's not stuck in your head? LUCKY!  
  
Escaped-mental-patient: I'll put you in the fangirl chapter...whenever that will be. *cackle* Probably in about two weeks.  
  
Ainu Laire: BUTTON!  
  
Terreis: Thanks, but Aragorn belongs to ME! *snort* Like either of us has a chance. Oh well, a girl can dream can't she?  
  
BubbleBubbleGumGum: Okay, just you!  
  
Saralitizie: Thank you! I always like to hear that I improved someone's day!  
  
RandomPirate: Yeah, slush. I tried to forget about that bit. I hate slush.  
  
Mornie Utule: Sorry, I seem to be stuck ending my chapters with cliff hangers. Don't hurt me!  
  
Lara Christ: CRAZY! Hah! Yes I am CRAZY! Thank you! 


	14. INSENSIBIITY

Disclaimer: There are many, many characters/things in this chapter. I own none of them. So if you want to buy them, don't bother me. I am also unable to move at slightly less than the speed of sound.  
  
A/n: I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T POSTED IN FOUR WEEKS! REALLY! I'M SORRY! FORGIVE ME! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Oh yeah...Kiki-chan and Makiyo changed their ff.net pennames to Bittersweet Simphony and Whimsical Yume. So that is what I will call them from now on.  
  
If you don't want to read the part of this chapter about me and my insane friends, you can skip it. Nothing happens in it except a lot of bickering and drooling.  
  
Later parts of this chapter are rated PG-13 for various reasons, so if you're squeamish, don't read them.  
  
Chapter 14:  
  
On the roof of P.J.'s office...  
  
The door/hatch/whatever-you-call-it of the stolen Fangirl Inc. helicopter banged open and a very blond, very short, and very hyper blur came tearing out of it at slightly less than the speed of sound.  
  
"We're on top of a building!!" squealed Galadriel in disguise as she rushed around the roof in somewhat lopsided circles. "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! Oooooh, I can see Aragorn down there!! And he's STILL the hottest living thing on earth!!! Oh my god, he just FLIPPED his HAIR! Ahhhh! I'm going to faint..."  
  
"Stop that immature, sugar crazed, fangirl-esque behavior this INSTANT!!" panted Electrocuted elf as she struggled out of the helicopter. "Don't make me come over there and pull your hair!" This was an empty threat, as Electrocuted elf had Usagi and Bittersweet Simphony clinging tightly to her ankles for reason's which the author STILL hasn't discovered, and couldn't move more than two feet without falling over.  
  
"Yeah!" said Bittersweet Simphony. "And Aragorn is NOT the hottest living thing on earth! Legolas is!"  
  
Usagi attempted to poke her very hard in the ribs without letting go of Electrocuted elf's ankle.  
  
Galadriel in disguise paused to look over the conveniently placed safety railing before she resumed running around in circles. (A/n: Yes, I occasionally do that for recreational purposes) "Faramir is down there too!!!!!!!!" she chortled. "And Elrohir, and Merry, and Boromir, and Pippin..."  
  
"Did you say PIPPIN?" squealed Electrocuted elf. She lunged forward and immediately fell flat on her face.  
  
"Aragorn is sexy, Aragorn is sexy," sang Galadriel in disguise, as she continued her madcap orbit of the helicopter. "He's sexier than EVERYBODY..." she tripped over Electrocuted elf and did a spectacular array of purely unintentional summersaults before coming to rest at the very edge of the roof. "Wow, I can see Aragorn's hair even better from over here!!"  
  
Whimsical Yume stuck her head out of the helicopter. "You guys are SO pathetic. So totally, extremely pathetic, that I am not even going to attempt to correct you, as it would doubtless be hopeless."  
  
Galadriel in disguise disentangled herself from her friends and stood up. "I'm NOT pathetic!"  
  
"Are too!"  
  
"Am not!"  
  
"Are too!"  
  
"Well at least we're not in love with Ken from Weiss Kreuz," muttered Bittersweet Simphony sulkily as Electrocuted elf managed to pry her fingers off her ankle.  
  
"I do NOT love Ken!" shouted Whimsical Yume. "Oh my GOD, you PERVS!!"  
  
"Do too!"  
  
"Do not!"  
  
"Do too!"  
  
"SHUT UP!" yelled Electrocuted elf at the top of her lungs. There was instant silence. "I didn't fly all the here way from California to stand up here bickering! We can bicker when we get back! Now lets all get OFF this ROOF! Are you coming, Whimsy?"  
  
"My name is NOT Whimsy," said Whimsical Yume with an heir of affronted dignity. "And no, I am NOT going to participate in your fangirl drooling spree, thank you very much. SOMEONE has to stay here and fix the helicopter," she disappeared into the cockpit.  
  
"Fangirl drooling spree!" muttered Galadriel in disguise. "Gahhhh!" she turned to Electrocuted elf. "So, how do you plan to get off the roof?"  
  
"Uh..."  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
Meanwhile, on the ground, things weren't significantly more pointless than they were on the roof.  
  
The various LOTR characters on P.J.'s lawn were mostly still committing random acts of extreme annoyance, that is, blowing things up, burning things, pouring toxic liquids on shrubbery, smashing expensive cars, breaking windows, picketing, attempting to use a laser canon and pretty much failing miserably, taking drugs, making out under park benches, singing Michael Jackson songs (obviously, that's the rangers) digging large holes in order to deface the landscaping, leafleting, directing choirs of undead tone deaf creatures that resemble lemmings but really aren't, or in the case of Ioreth, attacking Bill Ferny's mouth with a sandblaster to make "gosh darn sure" she'd scoured all the "filth-flarn-filth" out of it.  
  
The only people who weren't participating in these deplorable and largely immature acts were the Fellowship, Imrahil, Elrohir, and Elladan the chicken. THEY were hiding behind some dumpsters with Bill Ferny's abandoned stash of Budweiser.  
  
"This sucks," said Legolas gloomily. "We're stuck behind some dumpsters."  
  
"Wow, I hadn't noticed!!!" snapped Gandalf.  
  
Legolas ignored him. "And we can't come out from behind the dumpsters because the lawn is covered in CRAZY PEOPLE, the Wellington Police department is probably looking for us, and there are five vigilante fangirls on the roof, one of which wants to kill me."  
  
"We know," muttered Gimli. "You can stop stating the painfully obvious."  
  
"And," continued Legolas, "Halbarad borrowed my blue hair brush and he refuses to give it back! Stupid ranger!" he glared between the dumpsters to where Halbarad and the other rangers were doing the song and dance routine to 'Beat it'. "That was my favorite hairbrush! It's not fair! In fact it's a violation of my civil liberties! The fifth amendment clearly states--"  
  
"Legolas," said Aragorn through gritted teeth. "Do us all a favor and SHUT the hell UP! We don't care about your hairbrush or your *&%^$ civil liberties! This is New Zealand!"  
  
Legolas kicked him and climbed inside a dumpster to continue his now slightly muffled tirade without interruption.  
  
"Get off my head, Elladan!" shouted Elrohir. "You're a bird now, and I do NOT let birds sit on my head! If you #$^% on my hair, I will KILL you!!!"  
  
Elladan squawked indignantly and pecked him.  
  
"OUCH! F&%#ING CHICKEN!" Elrohir attempted to detach his brother from his tangled elfie braids. "Let GO! God, your feet are hell of sharp!"  
  
Elladan pecked him again.  
  
"Ahh! I'm serious! Get OFF my head! Legolas jacked my shampoo and Halbarad stole my blow-dryer last week, so if you f*** with my hair I'm screwed...OUCH!"  
  
Frodo covered his ears. "Gandalf, will you PLEASE turn Elladan back into an elf, so Elrohir will stop screaming? I feel a migraine coming on!"  
  
Gandalf scowled and sipped his lukewarm beer. "No."  
  
"Why the hell not??" asked Frodo. He went slightly cross eyed. "AHHH! It's getting worse!"  
  
"Because I said so," said Gandalf. "And you haven't really got a migraine, you idiotic whiner. You're just faking."  
  
"ELLADAN, YOU FREAK! THIS SHIRT COST $5,000!!!! BAD BAD CHICKEN!"  
  
Frodo fell over and began doing his best 'I'm not faking people, Gandalf has a spoon up his ass' moaning routine.  
  
"Stupid *&^%$%^ hobbits," muttered Gandalf into his beer.  
  
"THAT'S IT! YOU ARE OFFICIALLY BARBEQUE!" Elrohir was now chasing Elladan in circles and stepping on people who got in his way. "I'M GOING TO EAT YOU FOR DINNER, SO HELP ME GOD!"  
  
Aragorn sighed in exasperation. "Calm the #*^% down, Elrohir! You know very well that if you eat Elladan for dinner Arwen will kick us out of Minas Tirith on our asses!"  
  
"Um, isn't it like your castle?" asked Imrahil.  
  
"Well...yes..."  
  
"Aragorn is THE most hen-pecked man in Gondor, possibly the entire world." said Elrohir gleefully. "ELLADAN! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! LEAVE THE SHOE ALONE!!!!"  
  
Frodo did some more twitching and moaning.  
  
Sam cleared his throat menacingly and began hunting for his frying pan.  
  
"Oh fine, be that way!" grumbled Gandalf. "I can't change Elladan back into a *&%^$#% elf because my staff is recharging."  
  
"Your staff is recharging?" asked Frodo blankly.  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"But I thought it was the flame of Anor, or some shit!"  
  
"Well," said Gandalf uncomfortably, "I do use solar batteries..."  
  
"That is so *&^%#$," muttered Frodo.  
  
"ELLADAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Elrohir. Elladan, who had flown out of reach up a tree, made smug chicken noises and began preening himself. Elrohir collapsed in an exhausted heap next to Aragorn.  
  
"I *pant* hate *pant* his *pant* freaking *pant* chicken *pant* guts!!!!!! Gahhhhh!!"  
  
Aragorn rolled his eyes and poured the remainder of his beer over Elrohir's head.  
  
Pippin opened up another case of warm Budweiser. "I bet I can chug more beer than you, Merry!"  
  
"Want to bet, dude? I can chug more beer than ANYONE! My record is FIVE GALLONS!!!"  
  
"Oh yeah? My record is TEN GALLONS!"  
  
"I used to be the beer chugging champion of Gondor," said Boromir wistfully. "I once chugged SIXTEEN gallons without stopping. Now, however..." he sighed sadly and prodded his insubstantial midriff.  
  
Gandalf cleared his throat. "Excuse me, we're in New Zealand now."  
  
"So?" said Boromir. "We, unlike some other people, are not quoting the bill of rights."  
  
"Your using gallons as a unit a of liquid measurement!!! In New Zealand the use the METRIC SYSTEM! My god, can you be any denser??"  
  
"Uhhhhh...Metric System?"  
  
Gandalf sighed. "You guys are such freaking assholes..."  
  
Meanwhile, on the other side of the dumpsters...  
  
"WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED!!!!!" screamed Gildor's commie elf troop.  
  
"Oh, come on! Be reasonable!" pleaded a harried security guard. "Mr. Jackson is not going to come out here and submit to a so called "citizen's arrest." You aren't even citizens for gods sake!!!"  
  
"HE LEFT US OUT OF THE MOVIES!!!!!!!!"  
  
"He put you back into the extended edition of FOTR."  
  
"WE LOOKED TOTALLY GAY! WE OBJECT!"  
  
"You ARE totally gay!" called the Mouth of Sauron.  
  
"SHUT UP!!!" screamed GCET. "WE ARE NOT GAY! WE ARE...BISEXUAL!!!"  
  
"Oh, big difference," muttered the Mouth of Sauron. "Stupid poncy elves!"  
  
"Hypocrite!" shouted Saruman. "I know all about your dirty weekend with Sauron!"  
  
"THAT'S A LIE!!!"  
  
"No it's not. I saw it in the Palantir."  
  
"You SICKO!!" yelled Wormtongue. "I thought you were only spying on Elrond and Glorfindel!"  
  
"WHAT??" shouted Glorfindel, accidentally blowing a large hole in the street with his laser cannon. "I NEVER shagged Elrond! Unlike GILDOR over there!!"  
  
Gildor sniffed and kicked another security guard. "Commie elves shag where they want to!"  
  
"This is DISGUISTING!" moaned Beregond. "Bergil, cover your ears!"  
  
"Disgusting?" exclaimed Saruman. "What you and Denethor were doing was disgusting! Although I must admit, the thing with the whip cream was--"  
  
"GENTLEMEN!" shrieked Ioreth. "This fanfiction is STILL PG. Kindly do not discuss your dirty sex lives!"  
  
"Do you know that Saruman was dating Lurtz?" asked Wormtongue conversationally. Saruman hit him on the head with a shovel and Ioreth began chasing him around the lawn with her sandblaster. Bill Ferny was lying temporarily forgotten under a shrub. Not for long, however...  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
"No, Usagi. We will not use Legolas as landing pad!" said Galadriel in disguise patiently.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because I'm not done bashing him!"  
  
Usagi muttered something that sounded like 'party pooper.'  
  
"Ahem. Okay, does anyone else have any ideas for getting the hell off this roof, not including jumping onto lead characters heads?"  
  
"We could cut off all our hair and make a rope!" suggested Bittersweet Simphony.  
  
"NO!" shouted everyone else.  
  
"Hah!" said Whimsical Yume. "You're all stuck up here. I can't believe it. Most of you get straight A's and you cannot find a way down from a roof! Becoming fangirls must have melted your brains."  
  
"Wait...what about the helicopter parachute?" asked Electrocuted elf. "We could use that!"  
  
There was a long pause where everyone mentally kicked themselves for not thinking of that first.  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
"WHEN YOU ARE STONED, AND YOU'RE SEEING PINK PONIES, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO...DOWNTOWN...!" sang the lemmings...er, Barrow Wights.  
  
"No! No! No!" shouted Tom Bombadil. "For the 5,987,342,083,851,000 time, it's 'when you're alone and life is making you lonely'! There is nothing about stoners or oddly colored ponies in this song!"  
  
Barrow Wight #45 raised his hand tentatively. "Um, Mr. Bombadil sir? Why do we have to sing 'Downtown,' aka the most nauseating song in the universe? Why can't we chant cool union slogans like those elves over there?"  
  
Tom Bombadil glanced over to where the commie elf troop was belting out "Solidarity Forever" and doing a choreographed dance that seemed to involve hitting random security guards with their picket signs.  
  
"We are not going to act like those despicable elves over there!" sniffed Bombadil. "They are NOT musicians, unlike me. We are going to sing the NICE, HAPPY song entitled 'Downtown'! Is that clear??"  
  
"Yes, Mr. Bombadil," groaned the Barrow Wights, except for #45 who was attempting to shoot himself in the head, and not having much success seeing as he was dead in the first place.  
  
"You? A musician?" scoffed Erkenbrand. "My cat can sing better than you!!"  
  
"HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY TOMMYKINS!?!?!?!?!" shrieked Goldberry. "I'LL GET YOU, YOU STUPID MORTAL!" she began bombarding Erkenbrand with her leaflet thingies. Erkenbrand misfired the laser cannon, AGAIN, and blew up P.J.'s five million dollar limo.  
  
"Hey!" shouted Quickbeam. "I wasn't done smashing that!"  
  
"Oh shut up, you poncy tree!" called Glorfindel, who was attempting to confiscate Goldberry's leaflets before she could do any more damage with them.  
  
"I'M NOT A #%&^#$* TREE, YOU FREAK!" bellowed Quickbeam. "I'M AN ENT! ENT ENT ENT ENT ENT ENT ENT!!!!!!!!! DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE AND STEP ON YOU!!!"  
  
"Bring it on leafy!" yelled Erkenbrand, pulling out his sword.  
  
"Five dollars on the tree!" called Gildor.  
  
"I'M NOT A TREE!"  
  
"Dude, calm down!" said Círdan. "Take a chill pill! Er...chilled ent draft...er..."  
  
"That human called me a tree!" said Quickbeam, pointing imperiously at Erkenbrand. "Now I'm going to KICK HIS ASS!"  
  
"I never called you a tree!" said Erkenbrand. "It was them!" he tried to simultaneously point at Glorfindel and Gildor and ended up dropping his sword on his foot.  
  
Quickbeam, thinking this was some kind of subtle insult, went ballistic. "ARRRRRGH!! I'M GOING TO GET YOU, YOU IMPUDENT MORTAL!!" He lunged at Erkenbrand, who screamed loudly and went tearing off across the lawn until he ran smack into the rangers and started them singing again. "IF YOU WANNA STAY ALIVE, BEAT IT! JUST BEAT IT! IF YOU WANNA BE BAD, BEAT IT! JUST BEAT IT! BEAT IT, BEEEEEAT IT--"  
  
"Nooooooo!" Erkenbrand stuffed his fingers in his ears. "MAKE THEM SHUT UP!!!" He attempted to crawl under a park bench to escape both Quickbeam and the onslaught of bad 80's pop music. Unfortunately for him, the nearest underside of a park bench was occupied by Eowyn and Faramir.  
  
"Push off!" yelled Faramir, aiming a kick at Erkenbrand. "Find your own bloody park bench!"  
  
Erkenbrand whimpered and dived behind some dumpsters...right into Aragorn's lap.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Aragorn and Erkenbrand.  
  
"I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!" shouted Quickbeam.  
  
"Go away!!" yelled Gandalf. "We came back here to get away from psychos like you!"  
  
Erkenbrand whimpered again and latched onto Aragorn's leg.  
  
"FEE! FI! FOE! FUM!" bellowed Quickbeam. "I SMELL THE BLOOD OF...A DUDE FROM ROHAN!!! *cough cough* Ahem! FEAR ME!!!"  
  
"Oh, *&%&," groaned Elrohir. "We're going to get trampled to death by a crazed ent! Why didn't I listen to Ada and stay home??"  
  
"We aren't going to get trampled!" Gandalf and Gimli shoved the loudly protesting Aragorn and Erkenbrand into a dumpster and shut the lid. "There!"  
  
Quickbeam thought about smashing the dumpster, but decided it wasn't worth the trouble. He grumbled to himself and went off to stomp some rangers.  
  
"That was a close one!" chirped Frodo.  
  
"Is it just me, or did Gandalf just shut my little brother in a dumpster?" asked Elrohir.  
  
**************************************************************************** ********************  
  
A/n: Yeah, I know, still no P.J. I promise I'll put him in the next chapter.  
  
However, the next chapter may very well be sometime in April, since I have this HUGE research paper due. HUGE! Like twenty pages! *sigh* I hate my teachers.  
  
To my reviewers: Faramir's Guardian Angel: Sense is overrated! Muahahahahahahahahahaha!  
  
AlyEvenstar: Okay, I'll put you in!  
  
bittersweet symphony: I hate Mrs. Davies too. She is convinced that everyone can sing soprano, and as a result, ALL THE SONGS IN THE PLAY ARE TO HIGH FOR ME!  
  
kat-me: I added more! Finally...  
  
Pherhyandoiel: I might let you keep him for a while...  
  
ZappedAtom: You're a freak, you know that? I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP! I WILL GET YOU!!! ALL LITTLE BROTHERS MUST BE STABBED WITH FORKS!  
  
I'm From Tookland: Stacy's Mom is one of the very very very very very very very worst songs in the WORLD!  
  
Nienna Elanor: I'll turn Elladan back into an elf eventually...but not to soon...  
  
Saralitazie: Glorfindel is all yours! Except I'm going to have him get arrested in the next chapter...  
  
happy molecule: I'm planning to put Elrond in, maybe in Ch. 17.  
  
hyperactive forever: YES! MURDER ARNOLD! Or better yet, TERMINATE HIM! I hate having him for my governor, my cousins in other states all laugh at me.  
  
mousie2: I keep meaning to read your fanfiction and then I forget...stupid short term memory...  
  
lemluvspirates: NOT THE PENCAPS! NOOOO!! Sorry you aren't in yet. I WILL write plan B though, I promise!  
  
BURN THE R.U.M.: Well...it's a big lawn...  
  
Kekelina: Aragorn is MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! *electrocuted elf magically appears and slaps me* sorry...got a little possessive there...yeah, he's SEXY! I nearly fainted during ROTK.  
  
Inuyesha: I'll put you in with Elrond...  
  
Jackie-Obie: Flipper? *gasp* Cosmopolitan? *faints* EEK! Lemmings are cool though.  
  
Galadriel-in-disguise aka Zapped Atom again: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU USED MY ACCOUNT TO REVIEW MY STORY! I'M GOING TO DISEMBOWL YOU WITH DAD'S POWER SAW!!!! 


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